Drunk Anatomy

Welcome to the anatomy zone! [sung to the tune of "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins] We're here, we've got beer and have a standing date with anatomy websites and not in a weird way.

This week we're checking out a slip of a muscle. Its street--and actual--name is the sartorius. Why did I select this to be the topic of our meeting? Because I Popular Search Engine'd "human + muscles," saw "sartorius" on a diagram and loved it. That is a spectacular name. It sounds like something IMPORTANT, something that would have a statue built after it, it sounds like the name of a poem read at the end of a commencement speech. That kind of importance is worth dedicating our anatomy date to, don't you agree? If not, it's too late but please feel free to express yourself in the comments! Your opinion should be heard unless it's terrible, then never give it to anyone.

Let's have a talk about that sartorius. I understand the dear thing is a diplomat.

You understand nothing and you never have. The sartorius is a long thin muscle, actual fax it's the longest muscle in our body--sorry, that's assuming only humans are reading this--it's the longest muscle in the human body and to any animals/aliens/cyborgs/creatures reading this, let me just say one thing: "S'up." The sartorius starts at the top of the thigh in the middle and winds down the inner thigh and stops existing just at the knee. It looks like a vine or the start of a tattoo or something. It's real elegant is what I'm getting at.

It's also nicknamed the "tailor's muscle" because of the inseam of pants and how tailors cross their legs as the work--CUTE!

And what does this muscle, not-diplomat, do, pray tell?

It's involved in flexing and twisting/turning the thigh at the hips, you uppity nightmare. That was way harsh, Tai. I know, I'm sorry! I get mouthy sometimes but know that it's MOSTLY in jest. You're mostly not an uppity nightmare, really, just kind of. But in a FUN way where people laugh in an uncomfortably and say, "Ohhhh!" Like that kind of an uppity nightmare. I feel like that first sentence in this section where I actually talked about anatomy things might have been confusing so let's break it down a little!

Times when you're using your sartorius muscle:

  • Crossing your legs like a real sassafras.
  • Looking at your foot to verify that you did, indeed, step in shit.
  • When you kick your foot up off to the side like a movie poster.
  • Irish Step Dancing. We both know you're an afficianado, let's not play.
  • Sitting Indian style--real question, is this offensive? I feel like yes, but I'm not sure. Let me know!
  • TWIRLING.

How do I show my sartorius that they're my no 1?

Stare at them while listening to "Number One" by Goldfrap. Done and done.

Also!!! Here are some truly ridiculous looking stretches you can/should perform that I will describe in the gentlest mockery.

Get down on one knee with the other leg behind you stretched out like it fell asleep while you were kneeling and now it's just dragging along. Then reach behind you and grab the asleep leg's foot and pull it up. Mmm, yeah, feel that stretch. Very stretchy. If you don't wobble, I salute you.

Another one you can do is lay on your back with one foot planted on the ground and the other leg bent so that your heel is parallel to your hip.

You will look like a dingus, but a well-stretched dingus so fair trade, right? Eh, it depends on who's watching.

Or, y'know, you could, like, get a massage or something... Just a thought.

 Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?