Drunk Anatomy

Welcome to the special holiday edition of Drunk Anatomy! I'm savoring a hard cider at the moment so you know it's autumnal up in here.

In celebration or detest or whatever your feelings are concerning Tofurkey Day, I wanted to do something to really commemorate this time we have together: talk about the caboose, specifically the gluteal muscles, which are the makings of the buns.

Why are the gluteal muscles so special to you, Miss Thing?

Because I am Tina Belcher (in the "I am Spartacus" way) but also because I feel like there's a lot of mystery surrounding the glutes and it's my job to dispell that. Apparently, I'm an Office Superhero and a Myth Buster. Here's one question that just struck me: Why are the gluteals shortened to "the glutes" and not "the teals"? Hashtag missed opportunity.

There's four different gluteal muscles that descend into the buns like the layers of the earth: the gluteus maximus being the crust, the gluteus medius being the mantle, the gluteus minimus functions as the outer core, and the horribly named, tensor fasciae latae muscle, which is the inner core. Also, doesn't latae look like the phonetic pronunciation of latte as spoken by Midwesterners? The answer is yes, of course it's yes!

And what does that gluteus do?

I'm very curious about this myself because I've always assumed (hi-o!) that the buns are ornamental except as a seat cushion or like a connector between your back and your thighs. Anyone else? Naturally, I am very incorrect and it's actually for stuff. :/ Stuff like standing up, staying standing, the running/triumph scene from Rocky. Anything with hip and thigh movements, your buns are your girl. Have you seen the new Beyoncé video? What am I saying, of course you have! (If you haven't, I am judging you and judging you hard.) A lot of those moves would fall under gluteal muscle terrain.

How do I treat my gluteal muscles with the amount of affection and care that I feel is proportional?

If you put a gun to my head, I would describe the stretches for the gluteal muscles as "traditional." When would this scenario occur? If an anatomy fixated person rounded a bunch of people up and demanded answers to arguably pointless questions. There. Are you satisfied?

There's one where you just lay down and bring your knee to your chest, just angle it so that it's pointing to the opposite shoulder.

Another is to sit with one leg in front of you and the other leg crossed over it while holding your knee to your chest. This one reads traditional but also kind of sad. Kind of lonely. Kind of like you hold things to your heart whenever there's something in your hands, be it a carton of ice cream, a pillow, a small animal that is struggling to get away from you, etc.

You can ALSO, y'know, if you feel like it, no pressure or anything, get a massage. Just to SEE. Doesn't need to be a big thing or whatever.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?