Drunk Anatomy

(I almost wrote Drunk in Love. I almost just did that.)

Greetings and salutations, my bevy of babelings! I am the resident trash pail so this post is going up a day late. I'M SORRY!!! I DIDN'T HAVE MY PLANNER WITH ME AND CLEARLY I NEED IT TO SURVIVE/DO THINGS IN A TIMELY FASHION. NO EXCUSES, THOUGH, I AM JUST TRASH THROUGH AND THROUGH.

Off topic: I'm writing my about me/bio thing for the site (OoooOooooOoooh so fancy) and it's giving me a lot of trouble! Like, I wanna seem fun but responsible so people don't go, "I don't know about that" when they give me their payment info over the phone or whatever. How do you seem cool but like you won't steal? How do you strike that balance? Suggestions are welcome. I WANNA HAVE IT ALL!

So, are we going to talk about you or some gosh durn anatomy?

We're going to do both and if you have a problem with that, I kindly invite you to fight me. Know this: I've been described as "scrappy" so yeah. Think more than once before taking me up on this. Maybe twice. Maybe thrice.

The muscle(s) of the week is/are the zygomaticus!!! We're doing the major and minor, hence the plurals!!!!!

They both look like chewed up gum that's pulled out of a mouth--that's happened in movies. Cher did that. I've never seen it irl, but who knows? They zygomaticus major goes from the cheekbone to the corner of the mouth and the z minor goes from the eye socket region to the outer top lip. Dimples are supposedly caused by weirdness (or specialness? Differences?) in the z major, which FASCINATING. I always thought it was just like people's cheek shape causing indents or how they smiled, but no, I was dead wrong.

I've been dead the whole time. You've been reading a ghost Drunk Anatomy blog for WEEKS!

Can I tell you how unwell I feel rn? Very unwell! Queasy! Wah, let's talk function!

They are facial expression muscles!!! WTF do you think they do?

The major is used for smiling and the minor is used for unhappy faces. What an interesting differentiation! They complement each other.

Actually, let me tell you a whole buncha stuff: when you smile (creepy image: if the corners of your mouth had strings attached bc you're a marionette and your puppeteer pulled them, that's like how the z major works!), when you make a puke face, when you smirk (I see you Kristen Stewart), when you do the Billy Idol, when you're not supposed to laugh and you have to school your features, when your face squirms up in confusion, when your mouth moves to the side in consternation like that one teenage Olympian (remember her? She was so great.), etc.

And how the diddley am I supposed to stretch the zygomaticus?

You aren't! It's impossible! You can firmly run your fingers along it to work out any soreness, but that's really it.

Except...except.....EXCEPT.......

You can get a flippin' massage, you beautiful bouquet of roses! My face hurts (cuz it's killing you, yeah, yeah, I went to elementary school too) sometimes, well more like my temples, but occasionally my jaw, too, and it's such sweet relief when the therapists work on me. I 10/10 recommend it.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?