Drunk Anatomy

Happy 2015, motherlovers! I was avec mes families for the holla-daze so we haven't been together in a bit. Two weeks, actually! Two weeks for me to fall for you. Two Weeks Notice with Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock and their weird, "eh" chemistry. I'VE SEEN A LOT OF BAD MOVIES AND I'M FINE WITH IT. But yes, it's been two weeks and I missed you every time I thought about you, which admittedly was not that much. I've been kind of caught up with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules for the past however many days so...yeah. If you ever want to talk about either please feel ENCOURAGED to tweet at us. I'm on our Twitter like a comet, which is to say "a lot."

Okay, it's 2015, I missed you, let's drink and talk anatomy.

Specifically, the rectus femoris!

Rectus femoris, sounds like a butt.

Well, it's not and you sound twelve. (Very important aside: I waaaant a hot doooooog. But a pork one because I am from Detroit where hot dogs make sense and are delicious. Gasp. A coney dog right now would be the bomb diggity. Apparently when I drink, my slang gets turned back to 2003. Who knew!) The rectus femoris is a muscle (shock) located in your thighs, the tippy top front of your thighs.

It's one of the four quadricep muscles--did we cover that everything is a lie and the quads aren't just like a thing themselves, they're made up of other things because deception is a fact of life--situated (yeah, I went to college) front and center (yeah, I took drama) in the thigh. It looks just like two strips, honestly there's no way to describe this thing. If you can think of a better way, then you have bragging rights for eternity. Although, it's gonna get real old real fast to hear someone crow about how they could describe a muscle more aptly than some drunk girl online. JUST SAYING.

I don't even know where to start with this. Nothing is on task right now and it's legit confusing in here.

This is the paragraph where we talk about the function of the muscle; what does it do, where does it go, who does it hang out with, etc. FOR SOME REASON IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO WRITE THIS SECTION. I DO NOT KNOW WHY BUT I FEEL LIKE WE'RE AT AN HONEST LEVEL TONIGHT AND I JUST WANT TO SHARE THINGS WITH YOU. LIKE, UHHHH, I'M ON A NO SHAMPOO THING THAT I THINK IS REALLY WORKING FOR ME. RIGHT NOW I'M DOUBLE-FISTING BEER AND CHICKEN BROTH BECAUSE I WANNA HAVE FUN BUT ALSO BE RESPONSIBLE. MY SOCKS DON'T MATCH. I KEEP CHOCOLATE CANDIES AT MY BEDSIDE. I ATE A THING OF QUESO WITHOUT ANYTHING ELSE. JUST QUESO. STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH. THIS HAS TAKEN A TURN.

You use your rectus femoris when you extend or lift the knee, and when you flex the thigh and hip. "When would cases of this be?" you ask because you possess an inquisitive nature and it is a delight.

Y'know how, like, in, like, ballet they do the moves where they lift their legs and, like, move it all around? That's the rectus femoris right there. Also probably during the hokey pokey when the shaking and the lifting happens.

If I flip the switch, I can make the muscle tension drop!

This stretch, oy vey! I don't understand how you can do this without toppling over. I mean, I have the center of gravity of a Weeble, but this seems not doable. You do the old-fashioned "Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" pose (It's SO strange to me that people still do this!!! That is weird! And not a good angle! If there's crying then there's snot and you can see all up in there! Whhhhy?) but switch it up a little bit by holding your foot behind your back because this proprosal is going down quirky stylez! You hold that foot and try to bring it as close to your butt (or your glutes if you recall the post...mftzrn weeks ago about BUNS) as you can. It should burn a bit but not be like painful AF. Hold it and stretch 'til you feel a release.

Also, get a massage, you beautiful love muffins!

 

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?