Drunk Anatomy

 

Hello, my lovelies! [Oh...Hey.] What? [...Nothing.] Okay, it's obviously not nothing so what's up? [I just feel like we never spend any time together anymore.] I see you every week. [So just once a week is enough? That's it?] Oh my god. [No, oh my god. I'm not going to beg for your attention.] OH my GOD. [Cuz I thought we were trying to make something work but it looks like I'm the only one who gives shit here, doesn't it?] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, look at me. [I am looking at you.] No, really look. [I am really looking. See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.] I'm sorry, I know you were looking because we're looking at each other. I didn't mean all that, okay? You're my solar system, okay? My stars and horseshoes, okay? You know that, don't you? Okay? [...Yeah, I do. You're right.] My red balloon.

Alrighty-roo, now that that's handled, let's get this Drunk Anatomy show on the road!

[Did you really mean that? When you said I was your red balloon?] Of course I did. You're the only red balloon I've ever had. The only red balloon I ever will have if I get any say. [Ohhh.]

Previously on Drunk Anatomy: we kind of talked about muscles, but mostly it was just incoherent rambling. This week on Drunk Anatomy: more of the same and the muscle in question is the pectineus.

DOES THAT NOT SOUND VERY ADORABLE? IF YOU SAY NO, I'LL FIGHT YOU.

Pectineus sounds like (and I'm basing this on my very possibly incorrect assumption on how it's pronounced) an appletini type drink! Something super cute with a bright statement color that you drink while giggling uproariously and doing shoulder shimmies or something. That's not even kind of what the pectineus actually is, though, we should probably pretend to focus on that!

The pectineus: young, stalwart, unwavering. Not really, it's just a muscle found in the upper-est thigh/pelvic region. (When I say "region," does it take you guys back to Geography class? Where you'd learn about, like, arid climates and plateaus and Reykjavik? Me neither.) It faces the front of the body and connects the pubic bone to the femur. The pectineus is a thin flat band that serves as bridge for these two bones. They need a mediator because they have such gruff personalities and that can get in the way of open, honest communication. It'd just be scraping and clashing if the pectineus wasn't there as a buffer.

[Let's never fight again, okay? This red balloon says so!] I mean, that's pretty unrealistic, but whatever oath the red balloon wants, the red balloon gets.

The pectineus, the lil cutie wears-footy-pajamas patootie, can do thigh movements, but really its passion is in hip flexion and you just have to deal with it, okay? I know, it's unconventional but hip flexion makes the pectineus feel ALIVE. Obviously, that means the pectineus is involved in dancing, what with all the hip swivels, but it also has a hand in: sitting down, fidgeting, the way you arch your back and also your pelvis when you're trying to reach for things, sitting Native American style, a lot of the chair dancing in the "Anaconda" video, power stances, and other things I'd have to concentrate to think of. It does a whole heck of a lot around here and it deserves your respect. (So so so so so so so so off topic but I acutely miss Veronica Mars in this moment. She is a wonderful protagonist.)

I just don't think we should get ahead of ourselves here. [I'm tired of playing it safe! There's never a right time, there's only right now.] Oh my god. Wow. That's...I think I need for you to leave.

Let's talk stretches! The pectineus, the littlest gladiator just tryina make a name for themselves in the brutal world of gladiating and lion-drawn carriage racing, has a few stretches that are super simple but more importantly, very silly looking.

They've done it again.

Let's call this one "The Spider."

This is glorious.

Now, since I'm not going to go to the trouble of following this pic back to its origins, I have to wonder what the hand thing is all about. The logical side of me is saying it's some arm stretch done at the same time, but the dick bagel side of me thinks this some "ta-da!" move from the stretcher because he's trying to make the photographer feel inadequate. Whatever the case may be I'm going to use my position of authority here to demand any imitators also put their hand out in a similar fashion.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?