Drunk Anatomy

Welcome to the latest and most adequate edition of Drunk Anatomy, the blog series where I mostly ramble and then kind of talk about muscles.

How's your life going? Any different since we last saw each other? I know we haven't seen each other with our eyeballs but I like to think we've seen each other with our spirits, which is the most visible kind of seeing when you think about it. Anyway, my life's okay; it could be MUCH worse, but it could also be better--literally anyone could say the same...but would they dare? Yeah, for sure, without question. It's not a provocative stance I'm taking here. No one is ever fully satisfied with their lot because that's how being a human is. C'est la vie. (Did you know I took (in total) four years of French? What an enormous waste of time!)

SEEMS LIKE I'M AN INTROSPECTIVE BRAND OF TIPSY TODAY.

Without much further ado--actually, hold up they don't love you I love you, one more ado for you: Buy E•MO•TION on iTunes. It will change your life and it's what I'm listening to as I write this; get on my level! Okay, onto the blog.

The muscle of the week is............................................................

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...........................................the omohyoid muscle!

What...is....that...?

Good question! Very #relatable. It is 1). a muscle, 2). misunderstood, and 3). important in its own way, which is to say that I think we could survive without it. But it's in our bodies so I guess we gotta talk about it? (UNRELATED/NOT INTERESTING TO ANYONE BUT ME: the word count right now is reading 644??? How?? What? That can't be true. Word Count, go home. You're drunk.) The location of this teensy weeny muscle is the neck, of course, because let me tell you, the neck is packed full of skinny muscles with minor functions.

You're right, that wasn't interesting to anyone but you.

Way harsh, Ty. Let's get into the nitty gritty of what this muscle does. The omohyoid muscle pushes the hyoid down. The hyoid is a bone in the front your throat. If you touch your throat right now, you'll feel some very delicate cylindrical bones and cartilage. It's in there, your hyoid bone. All along and we had no idea until I wrote this blog post. I am doing some very important work.

Enough with the anatomy mumbo jumbo. Spell this thing out for me.

You got it! The omohyoid muscle is in use when you scream into your pillow because you don't know how to express your feelings. When you gulp dramatically as if to say "Uh-oh" with just your throat. When you swallow food because you require sustenance to sustain yourself. When you drink things for whatever the reason, no judgement. When you say words and your voice box moves. When you sing along to E•MO•TION by Carly Slay Jepsen but then you hear how awful your voice sounds so you very abruptly stop. And maybe there are other times! Probably there are!

Would you even be able to tell if your omohyoid muscle was strained?

Probs not! If you have a stiff neck or if you can't extend your neck all the way then some of your neck muscles are strained, but there's no way us mere mortals could discern which neck muscles are the problem middle child.

Unless...they were a massage therapist. Yes, a massage therapist who specializes in deep tissue and works at a clinic in East Austin would surely be able to diagnose which muscles are giving you a hard time. They would know and tell you and also be able to get into the muscles to make your neck less awful. Wow, it would probably be very beneficial to see such a massage therapist maybe during the week in the mornings because there's more availability at that time.

To stretch your omohyoid muscle, tilt your head back and to the side. Rub your throat as you do so like you're force feeding a pill to your pet but in a way that is much less traumatizing and without them struggling in your arms.

Okay, that's it. Goodbye, I love you. I'll never forget you.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?