Drunk Anatomy

Okay, y'all, I'm not sure if this is the right way to do this, but the time has come so here we go. *Deep breath* I, Lindsay Elise Zooey Bendig, am no longer the Office Superhero at this here deep tissue massage therapy clinic, Mantis Massage. But, look, just because I'm not managing this business or living in Austin (I'm, uh, moving to Berkeley in...24 hours so...tomorrow) doesn't mean we won't see each other. I'm still going to be here, researching and not really articulating stuff, putting out newsletters, and I'll be around every day on Twitter. It'll be like I never left! You won't even notice the difference!

(Wouldn't it be weird if my tone completely transformed once I move out to Cali? Like, I'd become super zen and chill and forthright about my feelings and talk about, I don't know, surfing all the time? Ha!)

Also, I feel I should note that it's not like no one is managing/taking care of Mantis anymore! I trained my replacement Caitlin for months so I didn't abandon the therapists, I just left and gave them to someone else.

That doesn't sound great.

You might be overestimating how attached people are to you.

Yeah, probably I am! But maybe, like, two of you are bummed and I want to HONOR those feelings. Those feelings are VALID if they do indeed exist. And maybe this is more directed at me than any of you, maybe I'm projecting, whatever, feelings are feelings and they are a thing and that is normal.

Know what's not normal? Feeling nothing about a gigantic change. So maybe you're the weird one!

You haven't even said what muscle you'll be talking about and it's been like six paragraphs.

Let's get down to brass anatomy tacks. We are learning about the masseter muscle today! Alliteration is so satisfying! The masseter is a two-headed muscle located in the corner of your jaw. The masseter has a deep head and a superficial head, which is bigger and conceals the deep head--girl, same. I've read about insertions and extensions and what have you and I truly do not understand any of it. Something about a mandible? IDK and I don't want to K.

The masseter is one of the "muscles of mastication," which I'm assuming  is where it got its boring name. Mastication is a fancy word for chewing for all of those who were unaware! (I was also unaware, but there's this thing called Google and it's a lifesaver.) It works with other muscles located in the jaw to help you move your jaw so you can grind up food and then swallow that food for sustenance.

Other times you use your masseter is when you're chewing gum, but not swallowing because that's a bad idea; when you chew on your tongue as a nervous habit for your entire life--oh, that's just me apparently; when you clench your jaw from a super healthy, nothing-to-be-concerned-about amount of stress; when you talk; and probably more!

You used to always separate the sections where you talk about the muscle's location/function and then give examples. Guess you already have changed.

That is not a sign that I'm different! That's a sign that I blathered on for too long earlier and I am trying to stay on topic!

You never used to try and stay on topic before.

That is not true! I always tried, just not very hard and I would basically always fail.

This is the stretching/home care portion of the blog, this is what's happening now, this is where we're at, no more comparisons to previous posts.

My jaw is sore a lot to all of the time because I do all of the examples listed above and I can tell you from experience that jaw massages from a Mantis Massage therapist are both wonderful and terrible. They release a lot of tension and it hurts so much you'll want to jump off the table. They're a blessing and a curse. It's complicated.

If that scared you off, dragging your knuckles up and down your jaw makes you look like a weirdo, but it helps!

That is a wrap on the masseter, see you next week! Love ya kinda!

Lindsay is the Communications Maven at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?