Drunk Anatomy

You know those mornings where you're like, "It's been a long day"? Today is one of those days! It's been a long day since I woke up and it will continue to be a long day after I stop being conscious. For me, anyway. Maybe today has been great for you, which oh, hmm, that's so nice, I definitely don't immediately resent you because of that---when am I going to get to anatomy?!

Now! We're doing this now! And I am not going to make a Bill O'Reilly "We'll do it live!" reference because he is a monster and I am better than that. Except I kind of just did so I guess I'm not.

Alright. Anatomy. Muscles. Fibers.

Here is the thing. The thing about bodies. They are disgusting and there's not enough (hypothetical) alcohol in the world to get me to pretend otherwise. Maybe the alcohol--again, purely hypothetical--is making it worse? I'll have to look into that.

Get to the muscles already, lady!

Don't rush me! I will turn this blog post around!

Now--and I'm doing this because I was already going to tell you, not because I feel pressured--the muscle of the week/day/blog post herein is the pronator teres! I'm going to go out on a limb (heh) and guess that it pronates. JUST AN EDUCATED GUESS FROM A REASONABLY INTELLIGENT YOUNG WOMAN WHO'S WRITTEN A NUMBER OF ANATOMY BLOGS IN HER TIME.

The pronator teres is located in the forearm where it connects to the elbow and continues across to the other side of the forearm. It has two heads, which I don't like because I never understand where they're going and where they came from so I definitely can't tell y'all about it! Man, muscles are so inconsiderate of people who blog about them.

What I can tell you is this: the median nerve is between the two heads of the pronator teres, which is why I picked this muscle. Sometimes, when my forearms are sore and my fingers spasm, it's because my median nerve is acting like a jerk. Or maybe it's not a jerk. Maybe it's just ~misunderstood~ or something.

Are you suggesting a nerve is acting out like a teenager living in an unstable environment?

I'm not saying that because that would be ridiculous, but I'm also not opposed to it if that's how you want to look at this. Follow your dreams! Challenge your preconceived notions of nerves! Let's drop this line of thought and focus on the function of the muscle!

The pronator teres does indeed pronate the forearm and maybe that'll teach you to doubt me. (Pronating, btw, is a complicated word for "turning" because anatomy people want to make sure we all know how EDUCATED they are.) Pronating the forearm means turning it so that the back of the hand is displayed instead of the palm.

You would use your pronator teres when you do the Single Ladies dance; when you do 'talk to the hand' and are transplanted back into the 1990s; when you swat something out of your vicinity; when you get your palm read by a very encouraging psychic who does not seem at all invested in your future; when you're gesturing grandly; and also other times!

That's not that many examples.

Sometimes I can rattle off a bunch of examples, but sometimes, like today, I can only think expansively about a few. Anyway, you get it.

Let's talk maintenance! Obviously, get a gosh darn massage from us if you have the time, means, and a strained pronator teres, but I've got a stretch in case you don't.

Stretches for the pronator teres are super simple, you probably do them without knowing that they are classic stretches and not just something that feels good. You stretch both arms in front of you and then with one hand, grasp the fingers of your other hand and pull so that they're pointing to the ground. Hold that for, I don't know, like twenty seconds? Or more if you want/need/have the time and inclination for.

That's all the information I have to offer and this is a really long post so okay bye now!

Lindsay is the Communications Maven at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?