Drunk Anatomy

Good morrow, party rockers! Welcome to the danger zone-- ow!

This week, my dear sweet poodles, we're venturing into trapezius waters! Why the trapezius, you ask, because you have to undermine everything I do? Two reasons!

1). Because I vaguely know where it is. (How is that possible? WELL, in high school I would draw caricatures of my favorite teacher on the board (I'm starting to wonder whether it was a good idea to share this with you) and I drew him topless and muscular like a statue one time (yeah, definitely not a good idea) but this kid said his traps weren't bulging enough considering the rest of his physique. And I was like, "What?" and he was like, "His neck to shoulder muscles" and here. We. Are.

2) Trapeze Artists.

Where is it and what does it look like?

The trapezius is shaped like a bottom-heavy diamond! It's location-location-location is from the top of the neck down to the mid-back and spans from shoulder to shoulder.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo...what's the trapezius like? Does it ever talk about me?

Babe, no.

The trapezius is described as "superficial" which is way judgmental. Language is our means of negotiating our place within society; lets not use words carelessly here, Wikipedia. What The Internet meant to say is that it's at the surface-- see how easy that was? The trapezius (who just likes to have a good time, do you have a problem with fun, Wikipedia?) is involved in shoulder blade (or scapula if you're a doctor or whatever) and arm movements. There are three parts of the trapezius but I absolutely do not have the wherewithal to get into it. Suffice it to say, the different levels do different things and can be strengthened from different exercises. That was so vague but I'm very sleepy right now so yeah.

You use it when you knock somebody's lights out, when you take a selfie at a strategic angle, theatrically swiping through Tinder, the butterfly stroke, when you hang your head in defeat, breathing, reeling you head back in shock, nodding the affirmative, shaking your head at your friend from a distance when you see her start to crash and burn decision making wise, etc.

If you work at a desk, your traps probably hate you by large amounts. You're stuck in the same position for hours on end with your shoulders rolled forward and into your neck so your traps become super tight and ungrateful. If you carry a backpack like a NERD then they hurt, too. Personally, my traps carry a lot of stress, as well, because I hold my shoulders up too high when they're not slouched forward. My traps want to dump my body in the river and run away at this point.

How do I show my trapezius that I'm a new person and I want to make this work?

Get a massage, dingus! Say you want to focus on your trapezius and your therapist will make you live to regret it (that was for humor purposes, ALWAYS let your therapist know if you're on the bad side of a hurty massage).

You can also try to maintain awareness of your shoulders! Bring them back when they're slumped forward. Do really exaggerated shrugs! Look like you're mocking whoever you're speaking to!

One incredibly easy stretch is to bring your chin to your clavicle and HOLD IT, BUSTER! Or try to touch your ears to your shoulders and feel that burn!

But, of course, obviously get a massage because our therapists are like trapezius love doctors.


Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?