Drunk Anatomy

Hey, gorgeous--um, I mean flawless--remember that song? Lil Wayne is a total pre-cog, he completely anticipated ***Flawless. Also, I need to know that you've heard "Feeling Myself," her collab with Nicki because it is EVERYTHING to me rn. EVERYTHING. This intro has absolutely nothing to do with what we're here for: Drunk Anatomy. But isn't that what this is all about? Just a bunch of nonsense to distract from the tragedy of life.

Ha, I'm just messing with you. Let's do this!


We're checking out the spinalis this week my cutie pie friends! Yes, you're a cutie pie. I'm only friends with cutie pies so if we're bros then you're cute. I don't make the rules, okay? These are just facts.

The spinalis is, you guessed it, found along the spine! It makes up the erector spinae and is itself made up of three muscles because nothing is ever easy or straightforward. THERE ARE SO MANY TINY MUSCLES THAT ARE NOT WORTH A SINGULAR BLOG POST. THEY JUST AREN'T.  Those three muscles are the spinalis dorsi, spinalis cervicis, and spinalis capitis. Who goes where in this odd game of Twister, you and I ask in unison? And then our eyes lock as we register the connection between us for the first time. I'd never let myself consider, but it make sense like nothing--SOMEONE GET ME A BOOK DEAL, ALREADY. To answer the question, it seems like they're not really distinct muscles? But they're separate at the same time??? Just like you and I: two separate entities, though we could scarcely tell where one of us began and the other--I WAS BORN TO WRITE TRASH ROMANCE NOVELS.

The spinalis is a long thin muscle that stretches across the spine. There. That was on topic.

(In my thorough anatomy research that I've done in pursuit of this very worthy cause, I've discovered that Gray's Anatomy is like an actual thing and not just a hospital soap opera. I'm floored. Life is a mystery, everyone must staaand alone. I hear you call myyyy name and it feels liiiike...Home.)

What's your spinalis like, homie? What are you into?

This is the part where I tell you what ya spinalis is for. I'm told by the World Wide Web that it's for "extend[ing] and laterally bend[ing] the neck and trunk" so let's unpack that! First of all, pretty sure "trunk" means torso. "Extending" means to elongate and "laterally" means side to side. SO the spinalis is in action when you sit up really straight when you notice how shlumpty dumpty your posture is, loking down, bending over, dropping it like it's hot, Charlie Brown's sad walk is another good example.

Stretch and Release. Stretching and Releasing. Stretchuality and Releasology.

If the section header was unclear, this section is all about stretching your spinalis so that it releases any tension that it probably has. My spinalis is probably tense so that's not a criticism. All of my everything is tense. The therapists have to shake me to try to get me to relax (which I have to say makes like no sense whatsoever) because I am just not a chillaxed lady. Maybe these stretches will help? (Excellent segue, self.)

The first one is VERY ridic looking, just so you know. Basically, you get into the fetal position but on your back, not your side. You bring your knees up to your forehead (or aim for that if that's out of your reach) and hold them with your hands on your shins. And it looks like you just rock up and down, not side to side. I guess it looks like a turtle trapped on its shell a little bit? Which is very sad and I wish I hadn't thought of it.

Here's another stretch that's easy as pie! You just sit in chair and bend forward so that your hands touch your ankles. That's it!

Also, maybe consider getting a massage from ya girls at Mantis Massage! Because they're awesome and they deserve all the things.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?