Drunk Anatomy

How are my beautiful children doing this fine Decembre evening? Well? That's good. I mean, I'd prefer you were doing fantabulous but well is not bad. Plus maybe you're super chill and anything more enthused than "well" would ruin your blase aesthetic, let's not rule that out. So roll up your skinny jeans, hike up your socks cuz it's Drunk Anatomy time and I make the rules. Of course, I enforce the rules with the conviction of a sedated kitten, so really do what you want.

Lost track of where we started? GOOD, then we're on track!

What is even happening?

What's happening is we're about to get our collective learn on. The muscle of the week is the rhomboid! [The crowd goes mildly interested!] Let's get this out of the way right now: it's a two-parter muscle. There's the rhomboid major and the rhomboid minor--guess which one's bigger? Did you guess major because you're astute AF? Yeah, you did! So, the rhomboid minor is the same width but thinner than the rhomboid major and is above it.

The rhomboid muscle looks like a rhombus, which we all know is just a square that did too much acid in its prime developmental years. The rhomboid minor is the top 3rd and the rhomboid major is the bottom two-thirds. Suck it, math!

Rhomboid conjunction, what's your function?

The functioning of the major and minor muscles is inseparable. They're like those twins who dress basically the same and try to fool everyone by switching classes/friend groups because they'd watched The Parent Trap toooo many times.

Let's bring some bullet points into play as we explain what the rhomboid is all about/when you use it:

  • doing the windmill dance
  • posture
  • leaning back against ledges on your elbows
  • shrugging exaggeratedly to emphasize your cluelessness
  • shrugging on a jacket in a show of coolioness
  • shrugging to covertly get your bra straps where they need to be ~righting a discomfiting wrong
  • something complicated that is beyond my comprehension, especially now

I am here to: STRETCH. YOU. OUT.

Personally, like from the nooks and crannies of my soul personally, I am very interested to see how to go about stretching the rhomboids because I don't see how it's possible given its locale. But I am just a simple city girl born and raised in south Detroit, too small-minded to anticipate the glorious capabilities of the human body. JK, it's pretty gross. TL DR; there are stretches.

I call this little number the "Pushing the Demons Away."

Step One: Clasp your hands together.

Step Two: Hold your now clasped hands out and elongate your arms as much as you can.

Step Three: Bend your head forward just a bit. You don't need to make eye contact with those demons.

Step Four: Stay in this position for like 20 sec. And bam! Stretched out rhomboids and the demons are gone!

(I will be on vacay next Monday so see you in 2015!)

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?