Welcome to Drunk Anatomy! Every week Lindsay investigates a muscle of her choosing and reports those findings here on this blog for your entertainment and edification.
On the evening of September 5th, Lindsay did some number of whipped cream flavored vodka shots (shut up) and researched the pectorals.
Why the pecs?
Because mine are apparently "really tight, Lindsay. Like really tight. Oooh, that's not good."
Familiarity with the therapists breeds very blunt assessments of your muscles. And also comments about your posture, specifically how terrible it is. Like I have all this time to sit up straight???
But in all real real realness, they have given me some very excellent insight into the pectoral muscles and I would like to share that with because I am a giver. No, I'm not.
Why are my pecs (and probably yours b/c my pecs aren't special like my hair is-- I have very shiny hair, fyi) so tight?
BECAUSE you're sitting shlumped over a computer or a desk all day, you beautiful idiot! I'm kidding, I love you, let's get married. I don't mean that, don't take me up on it. I've got a lot on my plate right now; I just started watching Ugly Betty so yeah, occupied over here.
Moving along, what do pecs even do? Just sit around talking about prog rock and ideas for apps all day?
NOT ALWAYS. Sometimes (all of the times) it's involved in arm movements and deep breathing. So when you heave really dramatic sighs- don't lie, we all do it-- that's your pecs at work! But okay, like, not to be rude, but what muscle isn't involved in arm movements and deep breathing at this point? Let's do a leg or foot muscle next week!
Where they at?
If you somehow don't know where they are, your pectorals are located on your chest, your breastbone, where the heart is, etc.
[Observation: things are hard to do.]
It's shaped like a fan! A fan that you flutter at a human and your face cuz it's hot and the handle of the fan is your armpit-ew. I'm kidding, your armpit is like a snowflake. (I will be VERY honest with you, there's like heads and adverb descriptions of those heads but I noped right out of there--my exact words were, "Nope. Get out. Get out of here, you mangy mutt." Suffice it to say: pecs have levels or depths or layers. SOMETHING.)
Want bigger, Schwarzenegger-er pecs?
DO SOME PUSH-UPS! BENCH PRESSES! OTHER THINGS!
Let's get back to the basics!
We've reached the stretching lessons point of this blog post! What-what!
A fantabulous stretch for the pecs is the Superman! Get on the floor, maggot! (I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Yes, I do. It was alcohol.) But yes, get on your belly on the floor and make like Superman. Who's flying through the air? You, it's you!
Alternatively, pull your hands behind your back as far as you can and raise your chin to the sky. Only one word to describe you, my friend, and that word is exalted. Someone is building a statue in your image.
Okay, I need to lay down.
And that is a wrap on the pectorals! Tune in next week when I will explain another muscle! Hint: it's a muscle.
Impress your therapist with your anatomy knowledge and ask her to check on your pecs next time you come in! She will be stunned and you will be the new favorite.
Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?