Drunk Anatomy

This installment of Drunk Anatomy could not have been possible without Eastciders Original Dry Cider. Thank you for your contribution in the making of this blog post; we at Mantis Massage appreciate you.

How are you? I've missed you, are you doing okay? We never hold hands anymore, what's that about? Have you met another anatomy blog, is that it? You've been anatomy-ing around behind my back?

OH MY WORD, I'M JK!!!!!!

Anywhozles, it's a pretty nice evening: the weather is cool, the air is fine, the feral cats are yowling (aww) and, oh hark, now they're knocking over the trash and recycling bins (what QTs) so it's time for a little Drunk Anatomy with your girl Lindsay. (That's just an expression, I'm not your girl. I'M MARRIED TO THE SEA. I'M TO THE SEA'S GIRL.)

Oh my god. Look. At. Her. Muscle.

The muscle in question we're looking at is the scalenes! Full disclosure: the scalenes are "a group of three pairs of muscles" in the neck... cool story Wikipedia! If that made no sense to you, a high five of solidarity for one, and for two, lemme break it down like a slow jam. There's three muscles: the scalenus anterior, the scalenus medius, and the scalenus posterior. Each of these scalenus muscles is a pair of muscles, they're partners, they're inseparable, it's adorbz. As previously stated, they're located dans le neck, but more specifically, the side of the neck below the ears.

Imagine a triangle for me (well done!), now in that triangle draw a line down the middle (you're doing so great), that middle line is the scalenus medius. The line to the left is the scalenus posterior and the line to the right is the scalenus anterior. The posterior connects to the top of the shoulder blades and the anterior comes forward to get all up in the clavicle's zone.

They just look like strips. Like chicken strips before they're cooked or overcooked bell pepper strips if you don't partake in the meaty delights.

What do the scalenes do in the neck? Just sit around like they're better than me?

Nope, you relentless egomaniac! They raise the ribs and bend the neck. I'm assuming the rib thing is in reference to breathing, thoughts? What else do ribs move for? Laughing? I guess laughing works since the lungs expand and retract. Gulping? Sure.

Neck bending is for when you tilt your head really exaggeratedly to make someone feel bad and second-guess whether their contributions are welcome.

...what, like you don't do that?  I don't believe you. Everyone does that.

And one, two, three, and stretch! And one and two and three and stretch!

We're gonna talk about stretches in case you didn't know from the question, in which case, you are not astute, like at all.

This is one of the easiest stretches ever! You just tilt your head to the side! Keep your ear parallel to the line of your shoulder and you may use your hand to hold your head to the side. That's right, you have head-holding privileges sanctioned by moi. Just this once. Don't get greedy. It looks like performing this stretch while laying down is a good idea so give that a try, too.

There's another one that looks so photo stock, I can't even. You sit down and hold the edge of the seat with one hand and tilt your head up and face the sky (in the direction of whichever hand is doing the gripping, tilt it that way). You will look SO PROUD. So like you're getting an oil portait done and you were like, "I need you to capture how majestic I am, okay? Like, I'm a lion if a lion were transformed into a human and had to get a portrait done. That is my essence. Capture it."

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?