Welcome to the special Valentine's Day edition of Drunk Anatomy!!!!!!! Come on in, take off your coat, make yourselves comfortable!
What's the difference between Valentine's Day Drunk Anatomy and regular Drunk Anatomy, you ask? NOTHING EXCEPT THAT AMAZING GRAPHIC UP THERE ^^^^ Didja see it??? It's my MASTERPIECE.
I know what you're wondering and yes, I did grow up in the 90's era of Paint and that space pinball game. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
Now that we've thoroughly basked in the glory of my artwork, let's get into Drunk Anatomy!
This installment is brought to you in equal parts by my raging apathy--hi-o!--and beermosas. The wondrous delight that is our therapist Kelsey invented them many moons ago while living in Brooklyn when she could not be bothered with purchasing champagne. And, yes, they are exactly what they sound like: beer plus orange juice. THEY ARE DELICIOUS AND SHE IS BRILLIANT. I made them with a white ale and mango orange juice and my mouth will never be the same. Truly (and please know that I hate this word but it's most apt) yummy.
We're 183 words in and I haven't told you anything about anatomy so we're right on track!
The muscle of the week is the gracilis!!!! I know, I'd never heard of it either! But I turned to my good friend Google who gave me some heartfelt, no-nonsense advice and now I know can learn anything if I can just bring myself to care (there goes that apathy again-woooo!),
Gracilis, gracilis, gracilis, what's your name? Where you come from?
The gracilis (I'm thinking it's pronounced gruh-silly-ass) is located in the inner most upper thigh ~OooooOoooooOoooh scandalous. It's just a lil slip of a muscle and is apparently "superficial"-- I'm about to go off, m'kay? THERE IS MERIT IN SUPERFICIAL THINGS. THINGS THAT ARE JUST MEANT TO BE FUN ARE WORTHWHILE. Okay, *smooths down all of my everything* I just needed to get that out there.
By superficial, anatomy whoevers mean closest to the surface, not buried beneath a bunch of muscles, like some other muscles I could Google... The gracilis looks like if a wispy ballerina were a muscle. It's just a thin band that looks deceptively delicate and runs from the pelvis to the thigh.
Wispy like a cotton ball? Does it have a tutu or something? How is it a ballerina? I don't get it.
Ughhhh mom, leave me alone, you don't get punk at all! (For newbs, this is part where I illustrate how bad I am at segues and then we talk about the muscle's function.) The gracilis adducts and medially rotates the hip, which means it pulls and rotates the hips towards the center of ya body. What I'm getting from this is that the gracilis is super grounded, it's humble, doesn't put on airs, it brings the hip back to Earth so it can be with the community. It's not just some dudley do-right, though, oh no, the gracilis also flexes the hips and the knee so WATCH OUT! It'll steal your girl!
And stretch. And stretch. And stretch and stretch and stretch.
The gracilis stretch is everything I've ever wanted. It looks like such an awkward, improbable position that only a breakdancer would fall into.
I don't even know what to say other than bless the gracilis for having the best stretches I've ever seen.
NOW GO GET A MASSAGE.
Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?