Drunk Anatomy

Hours keep slipping away today and I can't concentrate to save my life! This is probably going to be very scattered! There, I warned you so now you can't be mad at me. Don't come crawling into my comment section about a lack of "coherency" and "logic," okay? You have been forewarned! (I'm kidding, I would love feedback as long as it's constructive. One time someone called this here blog "worthless crap" and I felt like a soggy shoe. I mean, don't pity me because I get paid to write these and that's amazing, but, like, what is that supposed to do other than make me feel bad? TL; DR: I am fortunate but also vulnerable like a young starlet. Jeezy Creezy, this is so self-indulgent, why aren't MORE of you mean to me??)

The muscle of the week is the anconeus muscle! It sounds like a stone or something, right? Like something your counter top could be made out of? Well, it's not and I wish you would take this seriously for once.

That was basically entrapment.

You need to brush up on your legal jargon because that is not the case--pun intended, deal with it. The anconeus muscle is a teeny little strip of a muscle located on the top of the elbow joint going into the forearm.

Some people, who are wrong, think it's part of the triceps brachi, but, again, they are wrong. Some other people, who, you guessed it, are also wrong, think it's a part of a pack of forearm muscles, which is completely disregarding its function and the very existence of the elbow!

Just because it's not as flashy as the hand or as bumpy as the biceps doesn't mean it's not worthwhile!

Your arm wouldn't be the arm you know and love? Tolerate? Are accustomed to? if you were sans elbow and elbow joint.

Do you over identify with this muscle or something? Is that why you're so defensive rn?

Do I over identify with something small whose identity is often erased? You bet your ass I do!

The anconeus muscle helps to extend the elbow, which should come as no surprise because it's in the elbow and not the biceps or forearm. You're using your anconeus muscle when you play tennis; do some choreo; hold your arms out to allow someone to jump into them; when you shoot hoops; when you pretend to be a mummy for Halloween because all you have is toilet paper and no imagination; when you drive; when you're reaching; when you're doing certain swim strokes, techniques or whatever you call them; and then also other times but you get the idea!

It seems like you've been having a hard time coming up with examples these past few weeks.

Maybe I have and maybe I HAVE.

Now you know I'm going to hint at getting a massage for any anconeus and elbow tension you feel, but I want to extra hint at that because our prices will be increasing on September 6th (2016- IDK when you're reading this) so now's a good time to make an appointment! I believe we still have openings before then!

Here's a stretch you can do from home if you just can't wait: fully extend your arm and with your opposite hand pull down your palm so your fingers are pointing to the ground or sky. You can turn your arm either way and it'll hit different muscles, but again, go get a massage!

Lindsay is the Communications Maven at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

So. So. Sooooooooo. So. So so so so so. That doesn't look like a word anymore. It doesn't sound like a word anymore. It's weird how words are words just because we decided that a collection of squiggles and sounds means a thing. It's a good thing I'm alive now (hmm, debatable) and not when systems were developing because I would've halted all progress by acting like some sophomore philosophy major, all, "What does this even mean?" about everything. Like language is such a complex, nuanced thing and a bunch of randoes we don't even KNOW put a bunch of noises together and that's how talking works! And we adhere to it every day of our lives! What even is that!

Hey, where are you going? Don't leave! I'll stop, I promise! I was just about to get to anatomy!

The muscle of the week is the quadratus plantae muscle!

You seem like you would've been a really annoying person to go to college with.

I can assure you, I'm a really annoying person to go anywhere with. So the quadratus plantae, first of all, sounds like a plant with four enormous leaves and nothing like a muscle in your foot, which is what it somehow actually is. It's hard to get past this betrayal of expectations, but we have to do it. We have to move on and let go so that we can move forward and get to something beautiful. This blog post is v revealing of my current mental state, huh?

The quadratus plantae muscle is in the middle of your foot, both in terms of layers and geographical location. It's two long strips, which are initially separated by a ligament but come together and attach to (or the proper term "insert at") the flexor digitorum longus.

But...what does it do? Why am I here?

Why are any of us here? Random chance, an accident, no real reason at all??? Oh my god, get me out of this headspace! This is an anxiety nightmare!

The quadratus plantae is in your foot and helps to flex your second and pinky toes. I can't think of that many examples due to the crushing awareness of the gravity of everything around me and also because feet don't do a lot of stuff, right? Anyway, the quadratus plantae is in play when you do ballet and you're standing on your toes LIKE A WITCH; when you stretch your legs and point your toesies; when, if you're like my darling sister Sasha, you wave your pinky toes at people who recoil in horror; when you grip stuff with your toes; when you're running and do that pre-run crouch lunge on the ground; and maybe other times, IDK!

Maybe when you're walking? That's a time that you use your plantar quadratus?

I mean, yeah, if you want to be obvious about it. Pfft, amateur.

Something the owner of Mantis Massage said about feet one time was very illuminating! She said to always work on a client's feet unless they ask you specifically not to (she said this to some therapists, not me, I never have massaged anyone and I never will) because they're holding you up all the time, supporting your weight, and so, guaranteed, they need the work--all of this is true provided that you do stand on your feet and are not in a wheelchair, for example. Understanding all of that, I highly recommend getting a massage and asking for foot work because chances are you need it.

If you can't come in or can't stand the idea of someone touching your feet (girl, same), then get a tennis ball and roll your foot on it. It's a good time.

Lindsay is the Communications Maven at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

 

Drunk Anatomy

You know those mornings where you're like, "It's been a long day"? Today is one of those days! It's been a long day since I woke up and it will continue to be a long day after I stop being conscious. For me, anyway. Maybe today has been great for you, which oh, hmm, that's so nice, I definitely don't immediately resent you because of that---when am I going to get to anatomy?!

Now! We're doing this now! And I am not going to make a Bill O'Reilly "We'll do it live!" reference because he is a monster and I am better than that. Except I kind of just did so I guess I'm not.

Alright. Anatomy. Muscles. Fibers.

Here is the thing. The thing about bodies. They are disgusting and there's not enough (hypothetical) alcohol in the world to get me to pretend otherwise. Maybe the alcohol--again, purely hypothetical--is making it worse? I'll have to look into that.

Get to the muscles already, lady!

Don't rush me! I will turn this blog post around!

Now--and I'm doing this because I was already going to tell you, not because I feel pressured--the muscle of the week/day/blog post herein is the pronator teres! I'm going to go out on a limb (heh) and guess that it pronates. JUST AN EDUCATED GUESS FROM A REASONABLY INTELLIGENT YOUNG WOMAN WHO'S WRITTEN A NUMBER OF ANATOMY BLOGS IN HER TIME.

The pronator teres is located in the forearm where it connects to the elbow and continues across to the other side of the forearm. It has two heads, which I don't like because I never understand where they're going and where they came from so I definitely can't tell y'all about it! Man, muscles are so inconsiderate of people who blog about them.

What I can tell you is this: the median nerve is between the two heads of the pronator teres, which is why I picked this muscle. Sometimes, when my forearms are sore and my fingers spasm, it's because my median nerve is acting like a jerk. Or maybe it's not a jerk. Maybe it's just ~misunderstood~ or something.

Are you suggesting a nerve is acting out like a teenager living in an unstable environment?

I'm not saying that because that would be ridiculous, but I'm also not opposed to it if that's how you want to look at this. Follow your dreams! Challenge your preconceived notions of nerves! Let's drop this line of thought and focus on the function of the muscle!

The pronator teres does indeed pronate the forearm and maybe that'll teach you to doubt me. (Pronating, btw, is a complicated word for "turning" because anatomy people want to make sure we all know how EDUCATED they are.) Pronating the forearm means turning it so that the back of the hand is displayed instead of the palm.

You would use your pronator teres when you do the Single Ladies dance; when you do 'talk to the hand' and are transplanted back into the 1990s; when you swat something out of your vicinity; when you get your palm read by a very encouraging psychic who does not seem at all invested in your future; when you're gesturing grandly; and also other times!

That's not that many examples.

Sometimes I can rattle off a bunch of examples, but sometimes, like today, I can only think expansively about a few. Anyway, you get it.

Let's talk maintenance! Obviously, get a gosh darn massage from us if you have the time, means, and a strained pronator teres, but I've got a stretch in case you don't.

Stretches for the pronator teres are super simple, you probably do them without knowing that they are classic stretches and not just something that feels good. You stretch both arms in front of you and then with one hand, grasp the fingers of your other hand and pull so that they're pointing to the ground. Hold that for, I don't know, like twenty seconds? Or more if you want/need/have the time and inclination for.

That's all the information I have to offer and this is a really long post so okay bye now!

Lindsay is the Communications Maven at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Okay, y'all, I'm not sure if this is the right way to do this, but the time has come so here we go. *Deep breath* I, Lindsay Elise Zooey Bendig, am no longer the Office Superhero at this here deep tissue massage therapy clinic, Mantis Massage. But, look, just because I'm not managing this business or living in Austin (I'm, uh, moving to Berkeley in...24 hours so...tomorrow) doesn't mean we won't see each other. I'm still going to be here, researching and not really articulating stuff, putting out newsletters, and I'll be around every day on Twitter. It'll be like I never left! You won't even notice the difference!

(Wouldn't it be weird if my tone completely transformed once I move out to Cali? Like, I'd become super zen and chill and forthright about my feelings and talk about, I don't know, surfing all the time? Ha!)

Also, I feel I should note that it's not like no one is managing/taking care of Mantis anymore! I trained my replacement Caitlin for months so I didn't abandon the therapists, I just left and gave them to someone else.

That doesn't sound great.

You might be overestimating how attached people are to you.

Yeah, probably I am! But maybe, like, two of you are bummed and I want to HONOR those feelings. Those feelings are VALID if they do indeed exist. And maybe this is more directed at me than any of you, maybe I'm projecting, whatever, feelings are feelings and they are a thing and that is normal.

Know what's not normal? Feeling nothing about a gigantic change. So maybe you're the weird one!

You haven't even said what muscle you'll be talking about and it's been like six paragraphs.

Let's get down to brass anatomy tacks. We are learning about the masseter muscle today! Alliteration is so satisfying! The masseter is a two-headed muscle located in the corner of your jaw. The masseter has a deep head and a superficial head, which is bigger and conceals the deep head--girl, same. I've read about insertions and extensions and what have you and I truly do not understand any of it. Something about a mandible? IDK and I don't want to K.

The masseter is one of the "muscles of mastication," which I'm assuming  is where it got its boring name. Mastication is a fancy word for chewing for all of those who were unaware! (I was also unaware, but there's this thing called Google and it's a lifesaver.) It works with other muscles located in the jaw to help you move your jaw so you can grind up food and then swallow that food for sustenance.

Other times you use your masseter is when you're chewing gum, but not swallowing because that's a bad idea; when you chew on your tongue as a nervous habit for your entire life--oh, that's just me apparently; when you clench your jaw from a super healthy, nothing-to-be-concerned-about amount of stress; when you talk; and probably more!

You used to always separate the sections where you talk about the muscle's location/function and then give examples. Guess you already have changed.

That is not a sign that I'm different! That's a sign that I blathered on for too long earlier and I am trying to stay on topic!

You never used to try and stay on topic before.

That is not true! I always tried, just not very hard and I would basically always fail.

This is the stretching/home care portion of the blog, this is what's happening now, this is where we're at, no more comparisons to previous posts.

My jaw is sore a lot to all of the time because I do all of the examples listed above and I can tell you from experience that jaw massages from a Mantis Massage therapist are both wonderful and terrible. They release a lot of tension and it hurts so much you'll want to jump off the table. They're a blessing and a curse. It's complicated.

If that scared you off, dragging your knuckles up and down your jaw makes you look like a weirdo, but it helps!

That is a wrap on the masseter, see you next week! Love ya kinda!

Lindsay is the Communications Maven at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

You know, I've been doing Drunk Anatomy for quite some time now and there's something that I've learned that I want to share with you. The thing about bodies is that they are categorically gross. Just like the most off-putting things to see inside of. Your innards are not beautiful. They are not aesthetically pleasing. They look MESSED UP. There's so much moisture and like alien-looking pieces all clustered together. And the blood! Oh my god, the blood. Blechhhhhhhhhhh. You see muscles and stuff when you buy meat at the grocery store but it's just not an accurate depiction of what's going on inside us at all times.

TL; DR: Do not look at pictures of actual muscles. Stick with the cartoons, they will not put you off eating for hours on end.

With this very positive attitude towards bodies, let's go in-depth about anatomy!

We will be learning about and loving the opponens pollicis this week.

Loving? We'll be loving this muscle?

Yes, LOVING just like I love you and you love me.

I wouldn't go that far. That's a bit much. Scale it back a bit.

Fine, message received. The opponens pollicis, which sounds like a journalism award, is a small muscle located in the hand because your hand is small and it can't go around with gigantic muscles, now can it? It lies deep in the palm underneath the abductor pollicis brevis muscle and beside the flexor pollicis brevis muscle. Those two are the opponens pollicis's best friends. They're its trio, its girl gang, its raison d'être, and together they are the thenar eminence muscles. Doesn't that also sound like a journalism award?

Do you know what journalism awards are usually called?

Somewhat, I mean, my knowledge of journalism awards isn't necessarily rooted in FACTS per say, but more of a general understanding of the nuanced complexity that is journalism awards and their names and by extension the naming process thereof--we're getting off track here!

The opponens pollicis muscle is tasked with moving the thumb laterally, in a way that is described as "opposition of the thumb," but that does more to confuse than clarify, IMO.

You use your handy dandy opponens pollicis when you touch your thumb to each of your fingers five times each so that you can relax; when you hold something in your hand without putting your fingers to work; when you move your thumb to be the mouth in the face you've drawn on the side of your hand; when you touch your thumb to each finger just one more TO BE SURE, of what I don't know, but I do know that if I don't do it, I'll start squirming like a restless toddler; when you hold a pen, pencil, or any utensil; when you pick something up between your thumb and pointer finger because the thing is gross and you want to touch it the least amount possible; and MORE!

Your sentences are super long and rambly this week, what's the deal?

I am feeling restless! And agitated! And I am having difficulty concentrating on one thought unless that thought is completely irrelevant to what I should be thinking about/doing! There's an eyelash in my eye!

Unlike our more recent Drunk Anatomy muscles, the opponens pollicis has a super easy stretch you can do! You just keep your fingers pressed together and then push your thumb out as far away from them as you can. You can also squeeze that meaty bit of muscle between your thumb and index finger to loosen it up.

Or get a massage! A Mantis Massage massage to be exact!

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Good time of day at which you are reading this, Drunk Anatomy-ers! As you might've guessed from that sentence, my ability to say things that make sense to other people is not really in full force today, which means this is going to be a very confusing Drunk Anatomy.

All Drunk Anatomy posts are confusing. Isn't that the point?

Pfft, no! The point is for me to shed a microscopic amount of light onto the life of a muscle and also to make me feel like I'm funny--duh.

The muscle that we will be shedding light on today is the mentalis and, yes, I did pick it because it sounded like the CBS serial crime drama The Mentalist. Now, I have never actually watched a single episode of that show because I had no interest in the premise and the dude wasn't hot enough for me to give it a shot despite that--real talk, white men are never as attractive as we are made to believe.

What was I saying? Oh, right, the mentalis! It's a muscle that solves crimes by noticing things--nope, that's not it. It's a muscle located in the upper chin. It's a small V-shaped muscle and I have to wonder, are pronounced mentalises butt chins?

(Did I sound like Carrie Bradshaw there? I do a better Samantha Jones, but it didn't really fit. I genuinely don't even like that show; it's just such a common reference point.)

Why do you keep talking about things you don't like? Why do you know so much about things that you don't like? What's your deal?

I don't know, it's who I am!

The mentalis has a cutesy, revealing nickname: "the pouting muscle." I'm not entirely convinced that this is something other people call it and not just what the mentalis wishes it were called.

It is involved in chin and lower lip movements such as pouting to get your way; frowning exaggeratedly; when you press your lips together in quiet disconcertment; pouting to manipulate someone; when you ugly cry and your chin quivers and dimples; frowning in genuine displeasure; also pouting and other mouth stuff. Like talking!

Hmm, you must use your mentalis pretty incessantly then, huh?

Hey! Not nice! Not strictly ballroom untrue, but still not nice!

While I don't think my chin has ever been sore, regardless of how much I use my mentalis, there's no harm in stretching it! Unfortunately, much like most face muscles, you can't do some contrived gesture to stretch it out. You can, however, dig and drag your knuckles up and down your chin.

And there was another thing. What was it? What was the other thing you could do for your mentalis? Oh yeah, get a massage!

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Disclaimer: I AM HAVING AN EMOTION TODAY SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME DURING THIS MAUDLIN DRUNK ANATOMY. Explanation: I finished reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe and I am incredibly fragile about it. Fragile like a lone flower that is most def going to get stepped on. By life.

Have you read it? If you haven't and you like YA LGBT novels, check it out! If you're snobbing at me rn THERE IS VERY LITTLE MEDIA WHERE PPL LIKE ME GET TO BE ALIVE AND NOT MISERABLE SO, YEAH, WHATEVER, I READ BOOKS INTENDED FOR TEENS. Off topic: Do you ever feel like you could burst into tears at any given moment? Cool, cool, same, me neither.

Let's suppress our emotions with a little anatomy lesson, shall we?

This time we're taking a look at the orbicularis oculi, which sounds like some wizard world nonsense.

Are you sure you're in the right place emotionally to be writing this blog?

Ha! I am literally never in the right place emotionally to do anything, but thank you for the concern.

Avid readers of this here blog/mental garbage dump will recall that last week when we were learning about the orbicularis oris,  I thought it should be an eye muscle, but it wasn't. So I looked for an eye muscle and it's almost the exact same name??? They (the Anatomy Namers) just switched out the second word, which seems monumentally lazy. (In Latin, orbicularis is derived from "orbis" so I guess it's a circle thing, but they still should've done more to differentiate it. Righteous indignation!)

The orbicularis oculi, which is what we're here to talk about, no matter how many tangents we go on, is a circular muscle surrounding the eye. It looks like a pair of goggles. Really creepy flesh goggles that might haunt my dreams... And yours, too!

What a nightmare.

Thanks for sharing that.

The main reason for the orbicularis oculi's existence is to close the eyelids, which is both noble and somehow enormously sad to me. Can you imagine if all you were ever good for was to close an eyelid? Devastating. I'm glad we're sentient humans and not just singular muscles doing menial tasks-- OH WAIT THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT WE ALL ARE.

Am I really going to list off ways that you close your eyes? You bet I am!

You use your orbicularis oculi to blink; to sleep perchance to dream; to WINK; to flutter your eyelashes all, "Who, me?"; when you squint at someone to make them feel very not with it, which is mean, please be kind to one another; when you're trying to get something out of your eye; when you're protecting yourself from the probing touch of an optometrist; and I genuinely have no idea anymore.

Let me know when you use your orbicularis oculi in the comments!

Do people actually leave you comments?

One person did one time! It was kind of gratifying, but mostly confusing.

Our fantastic, knowledgeable, wondrous lead therapist Monica actually told me a little about taking care of this muscle (at least I think this is what she was talking about). She said you LIGHTLY trace along it and it helps to relieve eyestrain, headaches, can improve your vision, reupholster your furniture, and sometimes fix dyslexia! Can you believe that? So lightly trace your orbicularis oculi and see what happens. And then let me know in the comments.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Image courtesy of thewellnessdigest.com.

Drunk Anatomy

You thought I was gone, didn't you? You thought I forgot and dropped the ball, huh? Well, eat some humble pie and enjoy that egg on your face, Wrong-o of Wrongington, because I had the week off but now I'm back and more confused than ever.

So let's get into some Drunk Anatomy!

This week/today/this individual blog post, we will be discovering some truths about ourselves and the orbicularis oris. (Allow me to get this off my chest: what is with these naaaaaames?)

Don't let the stuffy, overly-complicated name fool you, this muscle has some intrigue attached to it. The orbicularis oris is, in some dark, juvenile corners of the world, known as "the kissing muscle."

How did you know where to find that gif?

Maybe I have a Tumblr, it's whatever, let's move on, don't make eye contact with me. In the olden anatomy times, anatomists--anatomers? anatomologists?--thought this muscle was a circle but they were wrong. Dead wrong. It's not just one ring to rule them all, it's a bunch of muscle fibers overlapping and working together to move your mouth and I think that's beautiful. Maybe "a bunch of muscle fibers overlapping and working together" can be our "always."

Wait, did I even cover that the orbicularis oris is in the lips? I did not. Ugh, I had one job to do! Not really, I have like a million, but still, REMORSE.

Okay, to recap: the kissing muscle, in the lips, not just one continuous circular muscle.

This Drunk Anatomy is surprisingly anatomy-oriented.

Thank you for noticing! I do my darnedest to bring you informative content, though admittedly not consistently. Based on the nicknamification, we know the orbicularis oris is involved in smooching, but what else?

Side bar: based on the spelling and how it looks like binocular, did anyone else think it was near the eyes? (I have a mild form of self-diagnosed dyslexia so maybe I'm wrong, but that is a very rare occurrence and you can bet your sweet tuckus that I would rather die than admit it.) Anyway, let me know in the comments if you thought so, too! I'm trying this new thing where I engage the readers; it's not really yielding anything as of yet.

Other times your orbicularis oris is in play: when you're lip-syncing for your life; when you're drinking out of a straw, which is the superior way to consume beverages; when you're playing an instrument that involves a mouthpiece; when you're talking endlessly at a rapid-fire pace like you're one of those Gilmore Girls; when you're pursing your lips in a selfie; when you frown; when you smile; when you peel your lip back in disgust; and so many more instances!

It seems like the stretches for the orbicularis oris would range from really weird to nonexistent. And, yes, it does look like the word "binocular."

Thank you and also agreed, babe! Man, you are being so supportive today. (I pronounce "babe" as "beb," just so you are aware and hearing it in your head that way.) I wonder if the orbicularis oris ever gets sore? No, right? In my experience, it's not a thing but who knows? And I suppose to stretch it out you could open your mouth super wide like you're at the dentist except without the mind-numbing fear, let it go slack, and just wiggle your lips around as much as you can to shake out whatever tension you manage to have stored in there.

This may come as a surprise to you--maybe not, I don't know your life--but our therapists can massage your face! I don't know how great the Biotone Advanced Therapy Massage Creme is for your face skin, but it's worth it! Face/jaw massages hurt SO MUCH, I can't even tell you. I've never had them work on my mouth but I'm sure they'd do it, even if they were grossed out about it because customer service. 

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

 Image courtesy of giphy.com.

 

Drunk Anatomy

Welcome to the latest and most adequate edition of Drunk Anatomy, the blog series where I mostly ramble and then kind of talk about muscles.

How's your life going? Any different since we last saw each other? I know we haven't seen each other with our eyeballs but I like to think we've seen each other with our spirits, which is the most visible kind of seeing when you think about it. Anyway, my life's okay; it could be MUCH worse, but it could also be better--literally anyone could say the same...but would they dare? Yeah, for sure, without question. It's not a provocative stance I'm taking here. No one is ever fully satisfied with their lot because that's how being a human is. C'est la vie. (Did you know I took (in total) four years of French? What an enormous waste of time!)

SEEMS LIKE I'M AN INTROSPECTIVE BRAND OF TIPSY TODAY.

Without much further ado--actually, hold up they don't love you I love you, one more ado for you: Buy E•MO•TION on iTunes. It will change your life and it's what I'm listening to as I write this; get on my level! Okay, onto the blog.

The muscle of the week is............................................................

.....................................................................................................

.....................................................................................................

.....................................................................................................

...........................................the omohyoid muscle!

What...is....that...?

Good question! Very #relatable. It is 1). a muscle, 2). misunderstood, and 3). important in its own way, which is to say that I think we could survive without it. But it's in our bodies so I guess we gotta talk about it? (UNRELATED/NOT INTERESTING TO ANYONE BUT ME: the word count right now is reading 644??? How?? What? That can't be true. Word Count, go home. You're drunk.) The location of this teensy weeny muscle is the neck, of course, because let me tell you, the neck is packed full of skinny muscles with minor functions.

You're right, that wasn't interesting to anyone but you.

Way harsh, Ty. Let's get into the nitty gritty of what this muscle does. The omohyoid muscle pushes the hyoid down. The hyoid is a bone in the front your throat. If you touch your throat right now, you'll feel some very delicate cylindrical bones and cartilage. It's in there, your hyoid bone. All along and we had no idea until I wrote this blog post. I am doing some very important work.

Enough with the anatomy mumbo jumbo. Spell this thing out for me.

You got it! The omohyoid muscle is in use when you scream into your pillow because you don't know how to express your feelings. When you gulp dramatically as if to say "Uh-oh" with just your throat. When you swallow food because you require sustenance to sustain yourself. When you drink things for whatever the reason, no judgement. When you say words and your voice box moves. When you sing along to E•MO•TION by Carly Slay Jepsen but then you hear how awful your voice sounds so you very abruptly stop. And maybe there are other times! Probably there are!

Would you even be able to tell if your omohyoid muscle was strained?

Probs not! If you have a stiff neck or if you can't extend your neck all the way then some of your neck muscles are strained, but there's no way us mere mortals could discern which neck muscles are the problem middle child.

Unless...they were a massage therapist. Yes, a massage therapist who specializes in deep tissue and works at a clinic in East Austin would surely be able to diagnose which muscles are giving you a hard time. They would know and tell you and also be able to get into the muscles to make your neck less awful. Wow, it would probably be very beneficial to see such a massage therapist maybe during the week in the mornings because there's more availability at that time.

To stretch your omohyoid muscle, tilt your head back and to the side. Rub your throat as you do so like you're force feeding a pill to your pet but in a way that is much less traumatizing and without them struggling in your arms.

Okay, that's it. Goodbye, I love you. I'll never forget you.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Hey buddy o'pals, how are things? What are you up to? I'm sweating because Austin decided to do something a little different this year and be super flippin' humid like every other city in my life. Anyway, now that everyone knows I'm putting my Dove Clinical Protection Cool Essentials Antiperspirant Deodorant™ to work, let's talk anatomy!

This week, we will be taking a hard, unflinching look at the serratus anterior. It is, in fact, a muscle and not a room full of knives and other assorted cutlery as one might expect.

This is an anatomy blog. I don't think anyone thought it was a "room full of knives."

Circled in red on this photograph is the muscle in question.

As you can see and cringe at, the serratus anterior is located below your armpits on your side via the ribs. I'm going to take a GIANT leap and assume this muscle's name and beefed up appearance is the reason for buff bods being referred to as "shredded." Truly the bod pictured above is shredded and it's a worrisome sight to behold. (Mine does not look like that, though, does anyone who is not a bodybuilder have one that defined? Let me know in the comments!)

There are three parts of the muscle (the three strips as seen on the dude bro's body) which are the serratus anterior superior (the highest, a little uppity tbh), the serratus anterior intermediate (the middle, very level-headed), and the serratus anterior inferior (the lowest, lots of self worth issues).

Wow, maybe don't body shame that guy for being so shredded.

Okay, you can't body shame men for being too muscular? That's not a thing? No man has ever experienced systemic marginalization due to being ripped?

Based on the location and size of the serratus anterior, it doesn't seem like this muscle does much of importance.

It's there to affix the scapula to its rightful place- yeesh, how dramatically did I phrase that one? According to my sources, the serratus anterior is responsible for frontal arm movements as well as pulling the scapula to the front around the ribs.

If that was a big, "Uh, wha?" for you, too, don't worry. Here are some examples to illustrate these movements: punching someone in the face, doing a push-up, punching someone in the arm, putting books on your head, punching someone in the stomach, swinging a golf club, punching someone in the neck, holding your jacket above your and your crush's heads in the rain.

You used the same example like five times.

Nope, only four! This seems like a difficult to impossible muscle to stretch. Let's find out if my preconceived notions of stretchability align with reality, shall we?

They don't! There are some very simple stretches for the serratus anterior. But how would you know if it was sore? That's the real question. Your therapist could very easily tell you, I guess, so that's not really a stumper. Man, I am over or under estimating everything today.

Okay, stretch time. Behind your back, with one hand hold the opposite wrist. With the hand that is grasping, pull the grasped wrist/arm toward the grasping hand. THIS IS THE WORST EXPLANATION IN THE WORLD, BLAHHHH. And hold that until you feel a release.

Also get a Mantis Massage massage.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Welcome back to Drunk Anatomy! Nope, no acknowledgement of how long it's been since this series updated--that's not what you're here for! If you are, in fact, here, which I am dubious about. Know what I'm not dubious about? Anatomy! Okay, that's a lie and basically the opposite of the premise of these posts. Whatever, let's get into it!

This week we will be learning about the levator scapulae. Hmm, yes, well, what an interesting choice.  I KNOW AND ALSO THANK YOU. First things first, I eat your brains let's tackle pronunciation. If you're anything like me, and god help you if you are, you're saying it wrong.

Looking at "levator," you'd think it's an unnecessary to the degree of pointless shortening of elevator, right? Except it's not, it's a muscle, but it is pronounced as thought it were. Maybe this is an unnecessary clarification, but I was saying it "lev-uh-tore" until like a month ago so I'm not about to assume who knows how to say what.

So...you're not going to explain why you haven't update in, like, a thousand years?

Nope! The levator scapulae is located in the neck, attached to the vertebrae there, and runs down to the shoulder blade. It's there not just for funnies, but to raise the scapula. Anyone else need a refresher on what the scapula is? No? Just me? FINE, but this is my blog post so you're going to sit through it regardless. The scapula is the shoulder blade, which is also called the shoulder girdle and I 5000% understand why no one says that ever.

Judging by the number of times I've seen this muscle listed when entering massage notes (that's right, I know all your secrets for the minute that I'm typing them and then I instantly forget), it's an issue for a lot of people.

You know, it's been over a year. I think that warrants some kind of explanation.

I don't not disagree! Knowing what we know about knowing that the levator exists to raise the shoulder blade--sorry to reduce you down to one thing, levator--we can pretty much guess when we use it. I'm assuming there are some readers who are not terribly imaginative, so let's run through some examples!

You use your levator when you shrug one shoulder at someone because what/whoever you're gesturing at isn't worth a double shoulder raise; when you pin your cell phone between your shoulder and your ear; when you hike up your shoulders to your ears because you handle stress by clenching your body; when it turns out that what/whoever you were shrugging at actually is worth a double shoulder shrug; when you raise a glass to toast someone; typing; when you desperately grip onto those overhead bars on the bus for stability; when you clap your hand onto the shoulder of someone who is taller than you because you want to seem extra condescending and words just won't do it; when you hold a case of beer on your shoulder so everyone knows you're a burly strong straight man; and even more examples that would take up too much space on this here blog post!

Right, but the ones you listed already took up a lot of space so like...? Also, you haven't even apologized for abandoning us and then trying to pick right back up like nothing happened.

That brings us to the stretching instruction portion! Regular massages and at-home stretches are the best way to keep your muscles from exacting their revenge in the form of you not being able to move your body. I can't/won't/will never do anything for you about the massage part, but here is a stretch that will alleviate tightness and get your ROM* back.

Gently place your hand on the back of your hand. Now, even gentler, pull your head out and away from the source of tension so that it's pointed toward your opposite foot. Gentlest of all, hold for 15-30 seconds. I find it really helps a stretch if you breath in deeply, then as you exhale, stretch further or massage the muscle in question while you stretch it.

Now, go forth and be limber and knowledgeable!

*ROM = range of motion. Just a little LMT shorthand for ya.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Hello, Drunk Anatomy-ers!!! It's been so long and yet everything's remained unchanged. I'm still a garbage can and you're still...I don't know? However I imagine you to be at a given moment? SEND ME PICS SO I CAN PROPERLY IMAGINE YOU. But only wearing clothes. Your swimsuit area is not to be revealed.

Anyway, here we are falling into old patterns. I'm at the kitchen table/desk with a vodka soda, muttering to myself, and you're rolling your eyes, all, "This again?" Beautiful.

Today I took my beloved pooch to Emancipet to get his last booster shot and trim his nails, which yielded some truly heart wrenching squeaks and struggling. I almost cried but managed to cover it with nervous laughter (hashtag repressed white girl); meaning, I'm very due for some alcohol. And anatomy, of course.

THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT MUSCLES ANYMORE.

Settle, petal. This is about to get very anatomy-centric. Observe:

The muscle of the week is the extensor digitorum!!!

I know what you're thinking and it is not a Digimon. It's a muscle in the forearm! And as icing on the repulsive fascial lining muscle cake, its name actually pertains to its function! The EG extends the digits of the hand- it's exactly what it sounds like. It's the nevernude of the muscle world.

But where in the forearm? The posterior! Which means the back, anterior means front. The EG runs from the elbow to the wrist and like most muscles, it's just a long strip. It's thicker at the elbow and thinner at the wrist but looks-wise it's pretty average.

Tell me more about this Digimon nevernude muscle.

The EG is a gesticulation muscle! If you're anything like me, you can't get through a conversation without some limp-wristed flailing so this is A Very Important Muscle. You use it when you hold utensils, do finger pistols, form inflammatory gestures, when you're drunk and you're taking pics with randos whom you love very much very briefly and you for some unknown reason throw up a peace sign, doing spirit fingers, also jazz hands, gang signs, that Spock hand gesture thing with the pointer and middle fingers on one side and the ring and pinky fingers on the other, the illuminati sign, juggling, shuffling cards, magic tricks, OTHER THINGS.

Teach me how to care for my EG. I want to make a change but I want you to spell it out for me.

Alright-y-roo! Let's hop to it! You can obviously of course get a massage with any of our talented therapists who will work out any knots that ail you.

I also have some stretches prepared for your home care!

The lack of tightness in your EG is well worth the embarrassment of having to perform these stretches.

 

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

 

...Hey. So...this is awkward. I know I haven't been around much lately and that is due in equal parts to forgetting and being a garbage pail. I wanna make up for it, though!!! As they say on Tumblr, it's garbage can, not garbage cannot.

I am making a TENTATIVE pledge that will likely be abandoned to post a Drunk Anatomy every day of the music festival portion of SXSW. (Because I will be in attendance! I have a wristband! From my boss! Because she's the best! Let's call her my bost- get it?) But TENTATIVELY. Like, it's very up in the air as to whether or not I will honor this pledge. Just stay tuned, my dearest darlings.

Also, I got a dog a couple weeks back!!!!!!! His name is Hunx and it's like "Halo" is playing every time I look at his little face. The vet at Emancipet exclaimed, "I have never seen a dog like that before--oh my god, are you a fairy?" when I took him to get a booster shot. You get it.

Is this a blog about anatomy or your livejournal?

Touché. The muscle of this post is the palmaris longis!

Oooooh. Aaaaaah. Wowwwwwww. Geeee willllikers.

Seems like it'd be in your hand based on the name, huh? Well, it's not because that would be too easy.

It's near the hand, though, it's not like a butt muscle with some outlandish explanation like, "It's the palm of the butt" or what have you. The palmaris longis is located along the edge of the forearm along the pinky finger side. PRETTY FASCINATING FACT: the pl is missing in 14% of the population. How? What? Why? Etc?

Wanna know if you have one? Touch your pinky to your thumb and if you do, then a tendon will rise in your wrist. I did it and I honestly can't tell.

This leads me to believe the palmaris longis is not a terribly important muscle, no offense palmaris enthusiasts! Please don't drag me for this observation. I know you probably thought, "Finally, some recognition for the unsung hero of the forearm" and now I'm just letting you down all over the place. Well, I'm used to being the source of disappointment so let's move onward and upward! Or just laterally!

The shape of the pl is just your run of the mill long, thin strip formation. Before I started doing this, I guess I thought muscles came in an assortment of shapes, but that's really not the case.

So if you don't even automatically come equipped with a palmaris longis, does it really even do anything?

Sensing a lot of hostility in this question and I am not here for it. AT ALL. The palmaris longis may not be as exciting as the glutes or the delts but it takes all kinds, okay? The palmaris longis is actually a special snowflake! It may or may not exist, its attributes are not uniform: it might be muscular in some areas and more tendon-y in others, the muscle also just might not be then and it's just all tendon. SPECIAL.

Its function is a wrist flexor. So. It flexes the wrist. When you're messing around with a Wii, that's the pl! When you gesticulate and your wrist goes limp, that's the pl! When you "talk to the hand," that's the pl!

Let's stretch this basically useless muscle!

How would you strain it enough to need to stretch it? I have NO IDEA, but let's indulge this absurd proposal.

I call this stetch: lemme see them love lines.

Step one: hold one arm out in front of you, Macarena-style.

Step two: with your opposite arm, grasp your fingers on the first arm. Or hand. Fingers are generally attached to hands.

Step three: pull those fingers down and back.

Step four: feel that stretch and reveal those love lines.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

 

Hello, my lovelies! [Oh...Hey.] What? [...Nothing.] Okay, it's obviously not nothing so what's up? [I just feel like we never spend any time together anymore.] I see you every week. [So just once a week is enough? That's it?] Oh my god. [No, oh my god. I'm not going to beg for your attention.] OH my GOD. [Cuz I thought we were trying to make something work but it looks like I'm the only one who gives shit here, doesn't it?] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, look at me. [I am looking at you.] No, really look. [I am really looking. See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.] I'm sorry, I know you were looking because we're looking at each other. I didn't mean all that, okay? You're my solar system, okay? My stars and horseshoes, okay? You know that, don't you? Okay? [...Yeah, I do. You're right.] My red balloon.

Alrighty-roo, now that that's handled, let's get this Drunk Anatomy show on the road!

[Did you really mean that? When you said I was your red balloon?] Of course I did. You're the only red balloon I've ever had. The only red balloon I ever will have if I get any say. [Ohhh.]

Previously on Drunk Anatomy: we kind of talked about muscles, but mostly it was just incoherent rambling. This week on Drunk Anatomy: more of the same and the muscle in question is the pectineus.

DOES THAT NOT SOUND VERY ADORABLE? IF YOU SAY NO, I'LL FIGHT YOU.

Pectineus sounds like (and I'm basing this on my very possibly incorrect assumption on how it's pronounced) an appletini type drink! Something super cute with a bright statement color that you drink while giggling uproariously and doing shoulder shimmies or something. That's not even kind of what the pectineus actually is, though, we should probably pretend to focus on that!

The pectineus: young, stalwart, unwavering. Not really, it's just a muscle found in the upper-est thigh/pelvic region. (When I say "region," does it take you guys back to Geography class? Where you'd learn about, like, arid climates and plateaus and Reykjavik? Me neither.) It faces the front of the body and connects the pubic bone to the femur. The pectineus is a thin flat band that serves as bridge for these two bones. They need a mediator because they have such gruff personalities and that can get in the way of open, honest communication. It'd just be scraping and clashing if the pectineus wasn't there as a buffer.

[Let's never fight again, okay? This red balloon says so!] I mean, that's pretty unrealistic, but whatever oath the red balloon wants, the red balloon gets.

The pectineus, the lil cutie wears-footy-pajamas patootie, can do thigh movements, but really its passion is in hip flexion and you just have to deal with it, okay? I know, it's unconventional but hip flexion makes the pectineus feel ALIVE. Obviously, that means the pectineus is involved in dancing, what with all the hip swivels, but it also has a hand in: sitting down, fidgeting, the way you arch your back and also your pelvis when you're trying to reach for things, sitting Native American style, a lot of the chair dancing in the "Anaconda" video, power stances, and other things I'd have to concentrate to think of. It does a whole heck of a lot around here and it deserves your respect. (So so so so so so so so off topic but I acutely miss Veronica Mars in this moment. She is a wonderful protagonist.)

I just don't think we should get ahead of ourselves here. [I'm tired of playing it safe! There's never a right time, there's only right now.] Oh my god. Wow. That's...I think I need for you to leave.

Let's talk stretches! The pectineus, the littlest gladiator just tryina make a name for themselves in the brutal world of gladiating and lion-drawn carriage racing, has a few stretches that are super simple but more importantly, very silly looking.

They've done it again.

Let's call this one "The Spider."

This is glorious.

Now, since I'm not going to go to the trouble of following this pic back to its origins, I have to wonder what the hand thing is all about. The logical side of me is saying it's some arm stretch done at the same time, but the dick bagel side of me thinks this some "ta-da!" move from the stretcher because he's trying to make the photographer feel inadequate. Whatever the case may be I'm going to use my position of authority here to demand any imitators also put their hand out in a similar fashion.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Welcome to the special Valentine's Day edition of Drunk Anatomy!!!!!!! Come on in, take off your coat, make yourselves comfortable!

What's the difference between Valentine's Day Drunk Anatomy and regular Drunk Anatomy, you ask? NOTHING EXCEPT THAT AMAZING GRAPHIC UP THERE ^^^^ Didja see it??? It's my MASTERPIECE.

I know what you're wondering and yes, I did grow up in the 90's era of Paint and that space pinball game. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

Now that we've thoroughly basked in the glory of my artwork, let's get into Drunk Anatomy!

This installment is brought to you in equal parts by my raging apathy--hi-o!--and beermosas. The wondrous delight that is our therapist Kelsey invented them many moons ago while living in Brooklyn when she could not be bothered with purchasing champagne. And, yes, they are exactly what they sound like: beer plus orange juice. THEY ARE DELICIOUS AND SHE IS BRILLIANT. I made them with a white ale and mango orange juice and my mouth will never be the same. Truly (and please know that I hate this word but it's most apt) yummy.

We're 183 words in and I haven't told you anything about anatomy so we're right on track!

The muscle of the week is the gracilis!!!! I know, I'd never heard of it either! But I turned to my good friend Google who gave me some heartfelt, no-nonsense advice and now I know can learn anything if I can just bring myself to care (there goes that apathy again-woooo!),

Gracilis, gracilis, gracilis, what's your name? Where you come from?

The gracilis (I'm thinking it's pronounced gruh-silly-ass) is located in the inner most upper thigh ~OooooOoooooOoooh scandalous. It's just a lil slip of a muscle and is apparently "superficial"-- I'm about to go off, m'kay? THERE IS MERIT IN SUPERFICIAL THINGS. THINGS THAT ARE JUST MEANT TO BE FUN ARE WORTHWHILE. Okay, *smooths down all of my everything* I just needed to get that out there.

By superficial, anatomy whoevers mean closest to the surface, not buried beneath a bunch of muscles, like some other muscles I could Google... The gracilis looks like if a wispy ballerina were a muscle. It's just a thin band that looks deceptively delicate and runs from the pelvis to the thigh. 

Wispy like a cotton ball? Does it have a tutu or something? How is it a ballerina? I don't get it.

Ughhhh mom, leave me alone, you don't get punk at all! (For newbs, this is part where I illustrate how bad I am at segues and then we talk about the muscle's function.) The gracilis adducts and medially rotates the hip, which means it pulls and rotates the hips towards the center of ya body. What I'm getting from this is that the gracilis is super grounded, it's humble, doesn't put on airs, it brings the hip back to Earth so it can be with the community. It's not just some dudley do-right, though, oh no, the gracilis also flexes the hips and the knee so WATCH OUT! It'll steal your girl!

And stretch. And stretch. And stretch and stretch and stretch.

The gracilis stretch is everything I've ever wanted. It looks like such an awkward, improbable position that only a breakdancer would fall into.

Just

look at

this ridiculousness

I don't even know what to say other than bless the gracilis for having the best stretches I've ever seen.

NOW GO GET A MASSAGE.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

I have been informed that "people love Drunk Anatomy" and I am just floored by this! I legit didn't think anyone other than, like, my boss (who is (genuinely) not like a regular boss, she's like a cool boss) read this so I am touched but also nervous because now there's PRESSURE. Pressure to make you glad you came along and decided to read a silly blog post by an adorable young woman with thick eyelashes framing her intelligent blue eyes who's just trying to get by in this neverending game of let downs and frustrations called life. Not the board game Life. Actual life. Though, I did love that game (not as much as Candyland or Guess Who?- those were the prime games come rainy day recesses #NostalgiaGeneration) largely because it intro'd me to the concept of a house boat and I've wanted one ever since.

YOU CAN JUST SAIL AWAY IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOME ASPECT OF YOUR LIVING SITUATION, HOW GREAT IS THAT?

All I need in this life of sin is me and my houseboat, me and my houseboat.

The muscle of the week is.....the deltoid muscle! Ahhhhh! I know, you've been waiting for weeks and it's finally here!!! Okay, chill out, you're embarrassing yourself. Wanna know where the deltoid's at? Yeah, you do. It's your shoulder! The rounded cap of the shoulder, precisely. I've been informed that the deltoid used to be called the deltoideus, which, like yeesh, try harder muscle-namers, ya buncha nerds. I CAN FEEL YOU FLEXIN' FROM HERE AND IT AIN'T CUTE.

The "delt" part comes from Latin (of course, like we could get through one muscle without hearing about Latin- if it's so special why isn't it still alive????) for triangle. I feel that this is not appropriate given the shape; it's really more of a half-sphere, anatomy experts! I think upon closer inspection and less Latin reverence, you'll find this to be true. And as for the reason I picked this one, well, that's hard to say. It's more a bunch of tiny reasons than one big one...ha! No, I actually just Googled "anatomy" and was surprised I hadn't done this one yet. I PLAY IT FAST AND LOOSE, M'KAY. THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY WORK SO HONEST.

There's some very disappointing news I have to share with you: there are three parts to the deltoid. I know, what a barrel of bullshit, huh? Let's just band together and face this head on. Alright, so there's the anterior part, lateral part, and posterior part- let me hear you say, "Ughhh, that's too many parts!" The anterior part is the portion of the deltoid on the front of your body so, like, near your chest, your pecs, all that. The lateral part is what you'd see from a bird's eye view (real quick: can birds see in color??? someone get back to me on this!) and the posterior part is the section you'd see from behind.

But what does it do? And how do you do?

I do fine, thank you for the inquiry. The deltoid does a slew of stuff, you would not believe how much stuff this thing does. You know how really sadistic trainers make you hold dumbbells and raise your arms then do little circles with them? That's deltoid work right there! Obviously, any and all shoulder movements are deltoidian. You know that dance where you rev a motorcycle? That's the deltoids! When you throw a baseball and people get really excited at the way you threw it but it turns out after 30 minutes of trying to replicate it that it was just a fluke? That's the deltoids!

Now that I know my deltoid isn't some loser mooch muscle, I wanna take care of it. Guide me, Office Superhero!

Here's an easy and most likely familiar stretch: you take one arm and press it against the pec region then cradle it against your chest with your other arm. Hold it, keep it safe then switch once the tightness abates. This, of course, will not ease the tightness in your heart. Nothing will. Maybe some soul searching and crying and intensive therapy will help, but who's to say what with the amount of damage you're rocking.

But this stretch is great for deltoids!!!1!!1

And, as always, get a massage from one of our extremely talented and cool and nice therapists! They're a bunch of darlings, I tell ya!

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

This installment of Drunk Anatomy could not have been possible without Eastciders Original Dry Cider. Thank you for your contribution in the making of this blog post; we at Mantis Massage appreciate you.

How are you? I've missed you, are you doing okay? We never hold hands anymore, what's that about? Have you met another anatomy blog, is that it? You've been anatomy-ing around behind my back?

OH MY WORD, I'M JK!!!!!!

Anywhozles, it's a pretty nice evening: the weather is cool, the air is fine, the feral cats are yowling (aww) and, oh hark, now they're knocking over the trash and recycling bins (what QTs) so it's time for a little Drunk Anatomy with your girl Lindsay. (That's just an expression, I'm not your girl. I'M MARRIED TO THE SEA. I'M TO THE SEA'S GIRL.)

Oh my god. Look. At. Her. Muscle.

The muscle in question we're looking at is the scalenes! Full disclosure: the scalenes are "a group of three pairs of muscles" in the neck... cool story Wikipedia! If that made no sense to you, a high five of solidarity for one, and for two, lemme break it down like a slow jam. There's three muscles: the scalenus anterior, the scalenus medius, and the scalenus posterior. Each of these scalenus muscles is a pair of muscles, they're partners, they're inseparable, it's adorbz. As previously stated, they're located dans le neck, but more specifically, the side of the neck below the ears.

Imagine a triangle for me (well done!), now in that triangle draw a line down the middle (you're doing so great), that middle line is the scalenus medius. The line to the left is the scalenus posterior and the line to the right is the scalenus anterior. The posterior connects to the top of the shoulder blades and the anterior comes forward to get all up in the clavicle's zone.

They just look like strips. Like chicken strips before they're cooked or overcooked bell pepper strips if you don't partake in the meaty delights.

What do the scalenes do in the neck? Just sit around like they're better than me?

Nope, you relentless egomaniac! They raise the ribs and bend the neck. I'm assuming the rib thing is in reference to breathing, thoughts? What else do ribs move for? Laughing? I guess laughing works since the lungs expand and retract. Gulping? Sure.

Neck bending is for when you tilt your head really exaggeratedly to make someone feel bad and second-guess whether their contributions are welcome.

...what, like you don't do that?  I don't believe you. Everyone does that.

And one, two, three, and stretch! And one and two and three and stretch!

We're gonna talk about stretches in case you didn't know from the question, in which case, you are not astute, like at all.

This is one of the easiest stretches ever! You just tilt your head to the side! Keep your ear parallel to the line of your shoulder and you may use your hand to hold your head to the side. That's right, you have head-holding privileges sanctioned by moi. Just this once. Don't get greedy. It looks like performing this stretch while laying down is a good idea so give that a try, too.

There's another one that looks so photo stock, I can't even. You sit down and hold the edge of the seat with one hand and tilt your head up and face the sky (in the direction of whichever hand is doing the gripping, tilt it that way). You will look SO PROUD. So like you're getting an oil portait done and you were like, "I need you to capture how majestic I am, okay? Like, I'm a lion if a lion were transformed into a human and had to get a portrait done. That is my essence. Capture it."

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

(I almost wrote Drunk in Love. I almost just did that.)

Greetings and salutations, my bevy of babelings! I am the resident trash pail so this post is going up a day late. I'M SORRY!!! I DIDN'T HAVE MY PLANNER WITH ME AND CLEARLY I NEED IT TO SURVIVE/DO THINGS IN A TIMELY FASHION. NO EXCUSES, THOUGH, I AM JUST TRASH THROUGH AND THROUGH.

Off topic: I'm writing my about me/bio thing for the site (OoooOooooOoooh so fancy) and it's giving me a lot of trouble! Like, I wanna seem fun but responsible so people don't go, "I don't know about that" when they give me their payment info over the phone or whatever. How do you seem cool but like you won't steal? How do you strike that balance? Suggestions are welcome. I WANNA HAVE IT ALL!

So, are we going to talk about you or some gosh durn anatomy?

We're going to do both and if you have a problem with that, I kindly invite you to fight me. Know this: I've been described as "scrappy" so yeah. Think more than once before taking me up on this. Maybe twice. Maybe thrice.

The muscle(s) of the week is/are the zygomaticus!!! We're doing the major and minor, hence the plurals!!!!!

They both look like chewed up gum that's pulled out of a mouth--that's happened in movies. Cher did that. I've never seen it irl, but who knows? They zygomaticus major goes from the cheekbone to the corner of the mouth and the z minor goes from the eye socket region to the outer top lip. Dimples are supposedly caused by weirdness (or specialness? Differences?) in the z major, which FASCINATING. I always thought it was just like people's cheek shape causing indents or how they smiled, but no, I was dead wrong.

I've been dead the whole time. You've been reading a ghost Drunk Anatomy blog for WEEKS!

Can I tell you how unwell I feel rn? Very unwell! Queasy! Wah, let's talk function!

They are facial expression muscles!!! WTF do you think they do?

The major is used for smiling and the minor is used for unhappy faces. What an interesting differentiation! They complement each other.

Actually, let me tell you a whole buncha stuff: when you smile (creepy image: if the corners of your mouth had strings attached bc you're a marionette and your puppeteer pulled them, that's like how the z major works!), when you make a puke face, when you smirk (I see you Kristen Stewart), when you do the Billy Idol, when you're not supposed to laugh and you have to school your features, when your face squirms up in confusion, when your mouth moves to the side in consternation like that one teenage Olympian (remember her? She was so great.), etc.

And how the diddley am I supposed to stretch the zygomaticus?

You aren't! It's impossible! You can firmly run your fingers along it to work out any soreness, but that's really it.

Except...except.....EXCEPT.......

You can get a flippin' massage, you beautiful bouquet of roses! My face hurts (cuz it's killing you, yeah, yeah, I went to elementary school too) sometimes, well more like my temples, but occasionally my jaw, too, and it's such sweet relief when the therapists work on me. I 10/10 recommend it.

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

Drunk Anatomy

Happy 2015, motherlovers! I was avec mes families for the holla-daze so we haven't been together in a bit. Two weeks, actually! Two weeks for me to fall for you. Two Weeks Notice with Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock and their weird, "eh" chemistry. I'VE SEEN A LOT OF BAD MOVIES AND I'M FINE WITH IT. But yes, it's been two weeks and I missed you every time I thought about you, which admittedly was not that much. I've been kind of caught up with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules for the past however many days so...yeah. If you ever want to talk about either please feel ENCOURAGED to tweet at us. I'm on our Twitter like a comet, which is to say "a lot."

Okay, it's 2015, I missed you, let's drink and talk anatomy.

Specifically, the rectus femoris!

Rectus femoris, sounds like a butt.

Well, it's not and you sound twelve. (Very important aside: I waaaant a hot doooooog. But a pork one because I am from Detroit where hot dogs make sense and are delicious. Gasp. A coney dog right now would be the bomb diggity. Apparently when I drink, my slang gets turned back to 2003. Who knew!) The rectus femoris is a muscle (shock) located in your thighs, the tippy top front of your thighs.

It's one of the four quadricep muscles--did we cover that everything is a lie and the quads aren't just like a thing themselves, they're made up of other things because deception is a fact of life--situated (yeah, I went to college) front and center (yeah, I took drama) in the thigh. It looks just like two strips, honestly there's no way to describe this thing. If you can think of a better way, then you have bragging rights for eternity. Although, it's gonna get real old real fast to hear someone crow about how they could describe a muscle more aptly than some drunk girl online. JUST SAYING.

I don't even know where to start with this. Nothing is on task right now and it's legit confusing in here.

This is the paragraph where we talk about the function of the muscle; what does it do, where does it go, who does it hang out with, etc. FOR SOME REASON IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO WRITE THIS SECTION. I DO NOT KNOW WHY BUT I FEEL LIKE WE'RE AT AN HONEST LEVEL TONIGHT AND I JUST WANT TO SHARE THINGS WITH YOU. LIKE, UHHHH, I'M ON A NO SHAMPOO THING THAT I THINK IS REALLY WORKING FOR ME. RIGHT NOW I'M DOUBLE-FISTING BEER AND CHICKEN BROTH BECAUSE I WANNA HAVE FUN BUT ALSO BE RESPONSIBLE. MY SOCKS DON'T MATCH. I KEEP CHOCOLATE CANDIES AT MY BEDSIDE. I ATE A THING OF QUESO WITHOUT ANYTHING ELSE. JUST QUESO. STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH. THIS HAS TAKEN A TURN.

You use your rectus femoris when you extend or lift the knee, and when you flex the thigh and hip. "When would cases of this be?" you ask because you possess an inquisitive nature and it is a delight.

Y'know how, like, in, like, ballet they do the moves where they lift their legs and, like, move it all around? That's the rectus femoris right there. Also probably during the hokey pokey when the shaking and the lifting happens.

If I flip the switch, I can make the muscle tension drop!

This stretch, oy vey! I don't understand how you can do this without toppling over. I mean, I have the center of gravity of a Weeble, but this seems not doable. You do the old-fashioned "Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" pose (It's SO strange to me that people still do this!!! That is weird! And not a good angle! If there's crying then there's snot and you can see all up in there! Whhhhy?) but switch it up a little bit by holding your foot behind your back because this proprosal is going down quirky stylez! You hold that foot and try to bring it as close to your butt (or your glutes if you recall the post...mftzrn weeks ago about BUNS) as you can. It should burn a bit but not be like painful AF. Hold it and stretch 'til you feel a release.

Also, get a massage, you beautiful love muffins!

 

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?

 

Drunk Anatomy

How are my beautiful children doing this fine Decembre evening? Well? That's good. I mean, I'd prefer you were doing fantabulous but well is not bad. Plus maybe you're super chill and anything more enthused than "well" would ruin your blase aesthetic, let's not rule that out. So roll up your skinny jeans, hike up your socks cuz it's Drunk Anatomy time and I make the rules. Of course, I enforce the rules with the conviction of a sedated kitten, so really do what you want.

Lost track of where we started? GOOD, then we're on track!

What is even happening?

What's happening is we're about to get our collective learn on. The muscle of the week is the rhomboid! [The crowd goes mildly interested!] Let's get this out of the way right now: it's a two-parter muscle. There's the rhomboid major and the rhomboid minor--guess which one's bigger? Did you guess major because you're astute AF? Yeah, you did! So, the rhomboid minor is the same width but thinner than the rhomboid major and is above it.

The rhomboid muscle looks like a rhombus, which we all know is just a square that did too much acid in its prime developmental years. The rhomboid minor is the top 3rd and the rhomboid major is the bottom two-thirds. Suck it, math!

Rhomboid conjunction, what's your function?

The functioning of the major and minor muscles is inseparable. They're like those twins who dress basically the same and try to fool everyone by switching classes/friend groups because they'd watched The Parent Trap toooo many times.

Let's bring some bullet points into play as we explain what the rhomboid is all about/when you use it:

  • doing the windmill dance
  • posture
  • leaning back against ledges on your elbows
  • shrugging exaggeratedly to emphasize your cluelessness
  • shrugging on a jacket in a show of coolioness
  • shrugging to covertly get your bra straps where they need to be ~righting a discomfiting wrong
  • something complicated that is beyond my comprehension, especially now

I am here to: STRETCH. YOU. OUT.

Personally, like from the nooks and crannies of my soul personally, I am very interested to see how to go about stretching the rhomboids because I don't see how it's possible given its locale. But I am just a simple city girl born and raised in south Detroit, too small-minded to anticipate the glorious capabilities of the human body. JK, it's pretty gross. TL DR; there are stretches.

I call this little number the "Pushing the Demons Away."

Step One: Clasp your hands together.

Step Two: Hold your now clasped hands out and elongate your arms as much as you can.

Step Three: Bend your head forward just a bit. You don't need to make eye contact with those demons.

Step Four: Stay in this position for like 20 sec. And bam! Stretched out rhomboids and the demons are gone!

(I will be on vacay next Monday so see you in 2015!)

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?