Drunk Anatomy

I have been informed that "people love Drunk Anatomy" and I am just floored by this! I legit didn't think anyone other than, like, my boss (who is (genuinely) not like a regular boss, she's like a cool boss) read this so I am touched but also nervous because now there's PRESSURE. Pressure to make you glad you came along and decided to read a silly blog post by an adorable young woman with thick eyelashes framing her intelligent blue eyes who's just trying to get by in this neverending game of let downs and frustrations called life. Not the board game Life. Actual life. Though, I did love that game (not as much as Candyland or Guess Who?- those were the prime games come rainy day recesses #NostalgiaGeneration) largely because it intro'd me to the concept of a house boat and I've wanted one ever since.


All I need in this life of sin is me and my houseboat, me and my houseboat.

The muscle of the week is.....the deltoid muscle! Ahhhhh! I know, you've been waiting for weeks and it's finally here!!! Okay, chill out, you're embarrassing yourself. Wanna know where the deltoid's at? Yeah, you do. It's your shoulder! The rounded cap of the shoulder, precisely. I've been informed that the deltoid used to be called the deltoideus, which, like yeesh, try harder muscle-namers, ya buncha nerds. I CAN FEEL YOU FLEXIN' FROM HERE AND IT AIN'T CUTE.

The "delt" part comes from Latin (of course, like we could get through one muscle without hearing about Latin- if it's so special why isn't it still alive????) for triangle. I feel that this is not appropriate given the shape; it's really more of a half-sphere, anatomy experts! I think upon closer inspection and less Latin reverence, you'll find this to be true. And as for the reason I picked this one, well, that's hard to say. It's more a bunch of tiny reasons than one big one...ha! No, I actually just Googled "anatomy" and was surprised I hadn't done this one yet. I PLAY IT FAST AND LOOSE, M'KAY. THAT'S WHAT MAKES MY WORK SO HONEST.

There's some very disappointing news I have to share with you: there are three parts to the deltoid. I know, what a barrel of bullshit, huh? Let's just band together and face this head on. Alright, so there's the anterior part, lateral part, and posterior part- let me hear you say, "Ughhh, that's too many parts!" The anterior part is the portion of the deltoid on the front of your body so, like, near your chest, your pecs, all that. The lateral part is what you'd see from a bird's eye view (real quick: can birds see in color??? someone get back to me on this!) and the posterior part is the section you'd see from behind.

But what does it do? And how do you do?

I do fine, thank you for the inquiry. The deltoid does a slew of stuff, you would not believe how much stuff this thing does. You know how really sadistic trainers make you hold dumbbells and raise your arms then do little circles with them? That's deltoid work right there! Obviously, any and all shoulder movements are deltoidian. You know that dance where you rev a motorcycle? That's the deltoids! When you throw a baseball and people get really excited at the way you threw it but it turns out after 30 minutes of trying to replicate it that it was just a fluke? That's the deltoids!

Now that I know my deltoid isn't some loser mooch muscle, I wanna take care of it. Guide me, Office Superhero!

Here's an easy and most likely familiar stretch: you take one arm and press it against the pec region then cradle it against your chest with your other arm. Hold it, keep it safe then switch once the tightness abates. This, of course, will not ease the tightness in your heart. Nothing will. Maybe some soul searching and crying and intensive therapy will help, but who's to say what with the amount of damage you're rocking.

But this stretch is great for deltoids!!!1!!1

And, as always, get a massage from one of our extremely talented and cool and nice therapists! They're a bunch of darlings, I tell ya!

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?