Drunk Anatomy

Buckle up, weirdo cuties, 'cause it's Drunk Anatomy time and things are about to get confusing and longwinded!

On today's journey, we will be venturing into armpit territory. Our destination: the subscapularis, which is a muscle. Why is that our charted destination, you ask? Because it gets shortened to "subscap" come intake form time and so I picture a scalpel but that's not relevant to deep tissue massage, now is it?

Sub scap, more like murk rat- what?

The subscap is one of the rotator cuff muscles that we learned about in the last DA post on the supraspinatus (Remember that? What a wild ride that was.); there's only four rotator cuff muscles, they're very high end, very exclusive. They're the Birkin bags of the muscle world. Subscaps are shaped like poorly drawn triangles--except a kid drew it so you have to be like, "Oh. Wow! Got ourselves an artist here!" even when it's like, were you in a covered wagon on gravel when this was attempted?-- with the base in the torso and the point at the shoulder. It's located in the armpit and is sandwiched between the shoulder blade and the ribs. Even though it's kept under boney wraps, you can still see it, kind of.

People with super boney, pointy shoulders have weak, thinned out subscaps. It should ideally be meaty, not boney. If your subscap isn't on Popeye's level then it might/maybe/possibly hurt so bulk it up! Do you even lift, brah?

What secret organizations is it involved with?

The subscaps keeps the shoulder from popping out of its socket and from the way it's described, the shoulder is a rambunctious child that is always trying to flee the strangling confines of its family's hold. Or maybe I'm over-identifying. Who knows. It's very involved in arm/shoulder movements, so it's a key player whenever you gesticulate wildly, do push-ups, take pics, high five people, wave back at people when you see them waving but oops they were waving at the person behind you, applying deodorant, etc.

Everything is connected and, no, I don't mean that in a hippie dippie eyeroll-worthy nonsense way. I mean that literally everything is connected so if you have arm, shoulder, or neck pains/tightness then your subscap is also suffering. People who work at desks will have tight subscaps because you're shlumped forward and locked into place for hours on end.

How do I make my subscap situation less horrible?

We're doing a doorway stretch, people!!!

Press the inside of your elbow to the molding of a doorway, then bring your hand up high to rest on the wall. You'll look like how guys try to seem really casual and nonchalant when they hit on someone but it's clearly a very deliberate move. Then just pitch forward until you feel a stretch on your pit. You'll look like you've lost your balance mid-flirt but don't want to get into a new position because you've committed to leaning.

Or if you're comfortable letting people get all up in your 'pits then get a massage!

Lindsay is the Office Superhero (check the business cards) at Mantis Massage. She knows essentially zilch about massage therapy other than that it feels real nice. Outside of random trivia, she has retained nothing from talking with the therapists re: anatomy. Lindsay might maybe possibly definitely be inebriated for these discussions, but who's to say?